Forbidden Freedoms

Damage control

Billy could barely settle to sit down let alone contemplate sleep. He needed something to help him relax but had long since thrown his tablets away. He thought they changed his ability to think. Made him too dumb. He searched his drawer for the number to the crisis line. His GP wasn't the man to speak to about this. They would ask too many questions. If there was a time to keep things close to his chest it was now. He grabs the bottle of whiskey he had stored under the sink and began to guzzle big mouthfuls. It burned on the way down and made him cough. It tasted like liquid fire. It wasn't the best solution but in a few minutes his nerves would be settled.
     Billy needed to think. He needed to formulate a plan. Was there a way out of this? Surely he would just be a flash in the pan and quickly forgotten. He had little exposure to the Internet but knew enough to know that things changed minute by minute online. He hoped a newer interest caught peoples attentions. The only way he would know how far across the Internet his photo had spread was to check himself. Internet access was forbidden for him and carried dire consequences. Billys frustrations over took him and fueled by the whiskey he began slapping himself in the face. His cheek stung and throbbed as he carried on till his hand was dumb and  his rage disappeared. A moment of clarity washed over him. Someone would have to check the net for him.
     Billy only trusted Charlie. He didn't want to get her involved anymore then she already was. He had no other options though. He picked up his phone and messaged her

- hey I hope your good. I forgot to message you earlier to say I got home safe. I was tired and fell to sleep. You'll have to teach me about how I'm big on the Internet. I'll finally crawl out of the dark ages maybe.

The whiskey had given Billy a confidence that was lacking in his everyday persona. The smacks to the face had also made it difficult for him to focus when typing. It must have read as if a different person had written the message. He waited eagerly staring at his phone. Waiting for a response. Finally the phone buzzed. Charlie had messaged back.

- I did get worried that you hadn't messaged. Hope you ok. What did Adam want? Xxxxx

Billy wanted to avoid small talk and get the information he was so desperate for. He couldn't just make demands of Charlie though. She would become suspicious. Subty was needed

- he wanted me to take some time off. I dont need to though.....
So where did you see my photo online?

Billy wished that the replies were instantaneous. He had to wait. A few minutes went by and Billy became inpatient. Should he message her again? He didn't want to push to hard and draw more attention. The reply came

- if you need some time to yourself then  take it. You've been through a lot even if  you think your fine you must be shell-shocked. ..... I'd miss you if you disappeared even for a bit xxxx

This wasn't the part that Billy needed a response for. He again questioned himself  about how to phrase the question again. The phone buzzed again before he had composed his response.

- my friend tagged me in a post about you. Your pic was on the local papers website. I think the story will be in the nationals. So don't be forgetting me when your a big celebrity xxxx

Billy grabbed for the whiskey again. His picture couldn't be published in the national papers. He had changed alot and grown into a different body but someone may recognise him. This was not the time to panic. He again guzzle mouthfuls of whiskey.

- I'm sure no one will be interested in a nobody like me. You've got me for keeps I'm afraid.

How Billy wished that statement would be true. Its impossible to fade away when your constantly pushed into the light. Charlie responds

- don't be silly everyone's gonna know how brave you are! I've shared it everywhere I can. I've even been contacted by some papers already. No one can find you so they have to go off what your friends say. Im getting a little bit of that star dust over me to! Xxxx

The situation was escalating beyond what Billy could grasp. Charlie was not the enemy but was drawing people closer to him. He needed time to process. He needed space. He hurriedly replied

- wow thats great. You'll outshine me for sure. Im still abit whacked by all this so going to try and nap again. Speak soon. ...... thank you for all you have done for me.

The last line seemed almost like a goodbye.

After a few moments of sheer panic Billy sat down in the corner. He names items he could see, items he could touch. He tried to ground himself and stop the flow of fear that coursed through him. The whiskey is more of a hinderence then an aid in achieving this. It gave him courage when needed but stripped it away as quickly. He needed someone to make it all stop. Someone to protect him. He needed warmth that told his soul all was ok. He thought of his mother. He had not seen her in so long. If all came out it would destroy her again. More whiskey led to more regret. A vivid nightmarish memory came to him. Through the gates his mother desperately grabbed at his arm. She wailed as if burying him and trying to claw him back to life. He wanted to grab her hand and never let go but couldn't. He heard her scream as he was led into the distance. This was the last time he remembered seeing her with anything but dull deadness in her eyes.
     He cried as he couldn't even remember what her embrace felt like. Her scent eluded him. Her face a blur. The closest approximation he could think of  was the moment shared with Vicki. He stumbled to his jacket and clumsily clawed through its pockets. He found the tissue with her number on it. He struggled to focus as he dialed. It rang... he almost begged for there to be no answer.

"Hello"