Torneró

34

TW: SELF-DESTRUCTION, SELF-SLAUGHTER

It's been weeks, probably even months since the funeral, and I haven't moved. I haven't recovered and I haven't had a moment where my heart doesn't shatter. I do the same thing I do every Friday, the day I lost him was a Friday. I get into my car, and begin to drive towards the place he had saved me.

I enter the graveyard, the same graveyard he had asked me to be his, the same graveyard I let him break down the walls I had tried so hard to build, the same graveyard that he had saved my life in for the first time. I shuffle through the many familiar rows of gravestone until I finally approach his. The black marble gravestone, the tall one. It's bold, just like he was. It's strong, just as he was. It's beautiful in a way, just as he was.

I place my bag down on top of the grass that had recently been placed over him before sitting myself down. I try my best to hold it together, but I can't. I lose myself the very second I read his name imprinted on the stone.

Carter Pericolo

Friend, Leader, Companion

He was so much more than that, he still is so much more than that. But there isn't any amount of words that I could use to describe him. If I had to try, it would be just one; perfect.

"Carter" I announce through my heavily wilted sobs, "I'm so sorry" I continue, placing my head in my hands as I struggle to find breath. "I wish so many things, I wish everything was different. I wish we got married in the garden of the safe house, just like you said we would. I wish I had the opportunity to give you children, raise them together and not do the same things our parents did to us. I wish I could wake up every morning with you by my side, and I wish I could look down at our child and recognise all the new tiny similarities that they got from you, everyday", I release a long held in sob, doubling over and gripping onto the land he lies under, trying desperately to find him again.

"I can't do it, babe. I can't live in a world without you here and I have a very strong feeling that we're going to be together again soon, just like you promised" I admit, staring at the sky and recognising the stars.

I know he's there, I can feel it. I know he's listening and I know what he would have said if he were still here. "You kept your promise, your promise to protect me until the day you died, but it was my fault that you're gone now", I struggle to find the next couple words. "I just needed to say that I'm s-sorry that you ended up dying for nothing, you died so I could live but this isn't living, this is surviving" I continue to say, gripping onto the grass and picking them out one by one.

"Please, forgive me. Don't be mad at me, I just miss you so much and I can't do it anymore, I can't take the pain anymore. Every morning I wake up and the first thing I want to do is call you, or talk to you, or hug you and then I have to remind myself that I can't. I can never do that again because you're fucking gone and it's all my fault", I take a deep breath in, struggling to fight against the cold air.

I wrap Carter's hoodie around my body more, breathing in his scent and being reminded of memories I wish I could never forget. "I just wish we had more time, I have so much I wanted to say, so much I needed to say. We had so many things left to do and I'm not the only one. Everyone had so much to say, everybody misses you. Dominic, Cole, Kyle, Hope, Elisa, they all wish you were still here" I express, wiping my flooded face with his sleeve.

"I love you, I miss you and I just need you to forgive me" I wipe under my eyes with my hands, proceeding to sniffle, " I'll be seeing you soon", I force myself up from the ground, grabbing my bag and placing a light kiss on the image of Carter that remains by his gravestone. His eyes, the ones I miss so much, his smile, his laugh, the feeling of his hair without any product in it, the way he constantly played candy crush - he never got to make it to level 5000. It was his whole life's goal.