You Are The Reason

let them die with me

Hi, Steve

This is kinda awkward but I hope you find this letter and the time to actually read it. It's been hard for all of us. I know. But I really think we have a chance to win this thing once and for all. It's going to require a lot of sacrifices, ones that we may not agree to but in the end, it'll be worth it, and things will come together the way they are supposed to. I really don't know how to word this, but I'm assuming if you are reading this letter, you went through my things and found it because I accomplished what I needed to do... because I died.

Wow that was hard to write.

I still haven't really come to terms with it, but hopefully I will by writing this letter. Tomorrow we're supposed to use a fucking time machine (like wtf) and according to Nebula, the soul stone requires an exchange (it took a lot of work to finally get her to explain things to me). A soul for a soul per say. You wondered why I was so persistent on going to Vormir... well this is why. I have to be the one to jump off that cliff. I have to because no one else should, because I finally have the chance to wipe the red from my ledger and give my team a chance at winning this thing. We have to chance to bring our whole world back, to make families whole again.

Well I certainly hope we will win. Even if we don't the chance at winning was completely worth my life. Somehow though, I know we will win. I just have this feeling. I don't want to jinx it... I won't say it out loud but I know with you leading our team, we will win. We will win because Bruce and Tony are ridiculously smart, Scott is wonderful, Clint is a fighter, and you're you.

My hero.

I like to think that I knew you well. You weren't a great liar, but you had a lot of layers to you. One thing I could never figure out was how you felt about me. Well let's backtrack. I didn't mean to start out that way. Let me start by saying I am so beyond grateful of how you took me as I am, that you never asked more of me than I could give. I am so grateful that you trusted me, that someone as amazing as you could even look at me. I look up to you greatly. Quite frankly I always have. I wish I had gotten more time with you but life doesn't work that way, does it? No. Because if it did, I would've poured my heart out to you a long time ago. I would've been brave enough to tell you what I've wanted to for so long instead of writing this stupid letter you may or may not read.

I've wanted to tell you for so long that I love you.

I really do.

I love you.

Not in that friendship kinda way but that I love you so much it hurts and I just want to kiss you all the time. I don't know if you feel the same way and with all that happened, I don't think you do. But that's okay because I understand (you deserve so much better anyway) and this is really embarrassing but I'll be dead by the time you read this so we won't have to deal with that awkward situation. I had to write it out. I won't actually tell you though because that complicates everything, and a woman like me doesn't belong with an incredible man like you.

But please know I love you.

With everything that I am.

Everything I was.

So tomorrow I'm going to tell you that I'll see you in a minute. I don't want you to worry, and I want you to carry out your mission just as I will complete mine.

I want you to go on to live the life you've always wanted and don't carry these burdens with you. Let me take them with me... let them die with me. We aren't lovers, but we're teammates and I will do anything for you. Please laugh, smile (because you have the most handsome smile), and fall in love with someone just as amazing as you. This world is crazy and slightly fucked up, but there's so many things to love about it, to enjoy.

I'm not going to ask any favors from you. You don't owe me anything because I owe you everything.

I just want you to get a life, okay?

Worry a little less and smile a little more.

Sincerely, a woman who loves you so much.

Nat

By the time Steve reached the end of her letter, his vision was too blurry with tears to see the words she had written. He could hardly breath, his throat unbearably tight as tears streamed down his cheeks. How could he have been so fucking stupid? Why hadn't he told her that he loved her before everything went down, before he lost her? Why hadn't he stayed by her side those long, lonely five years? He had left her, and she'd thought that he didn't love her, that she wasn't good enough. He sobbed because it was as if he could physically feel his heart shattering. He clenched his fists together, swiftly dropping the letter before he ripped it because it was one of the few things he had left of her.

Rolling onto his side, he buried his face into his pillow and cried like he had never cried before. He just wanted to see her one more time, to hold her and kiss her breathless. He wanted to tell her that wining this war didn't mean anything to him because he had lost her.

It meant nothing because he was nothing without her.

He was shaking with heart-wrenching sobs, clutching at nothing because he was empty without her. He was a stupid fool who never deserved to have Natasha in his life, to see her smile and hear her laugh. He should've made her laugh more, should've kissed away her tears, and should've loved her. Instead, he was too much of a coward and had made her feel like she wasn't enough. It felt like a knife had been plunged into his heart, and he tried to inhale, but his breaths came out in desperate sobs. He had so many regrets, and he hated himself for realizing too late that Natasha was the love of his life.

Well, he had always known, but he had thought the timing wasn't right, that they should save the world first and then get a life together.

When was the timing ever right?

He had so many chances with her, and she had felt the same way, but he was too much of a damn fool to do anything about it.

It felt like losing her all over again, reading her letter and knowing she'd felt the same way, that they should've - could've - gotten a life together.

He should've never let her go - should've never left her.

It seemed all he did was cry now. His team was worried about him, but he couldn't be strong without Natasha by his side. They called him Captain, but they all knew who was really in charge, who led the team with her unwavering strength and beautiful smile. He should've kissed that smile every damn day, should've swept her up in his arms and never let her go.

Only when he cried himself to sleep did his tears finally cease when he dreamt about pulling Natasha into his arms and telling her how much he loved her, that she was worth everything.

That he was nothing without her, and he was a damn fool for not getting a life with her.

• • •

im so sorry. this was heartbreaking to write, but it was a good way for me to break my writers block