Kraken's Journal

I am the disassociator

Have you ever thought, "how cool would it be if I could live in Harry Potter?" There are some people who think they do, and still wait for a letter that will never come. I was one of those people. And to be real, the issue never goes away, you just have to cope with it.

Like all permanent issues, it begins in childhood. I had a father who encouraged this. I would fall asleep in a half dream state, being kidnapped by villains like the joker, coming to save me from an abusive household. It was never the hero's who saved me, just the bad guys, who saw my tortured state and would rescue me. I would wake, disappointed that I was still in my bed, my mom and dad yelling, and my sister leaving me behind at the bus stop to hang out with her friends.

My mom found out about this issue and began to drill into me that this was my world, I am human, and I live in the real world and these fantasies will never be real, it took until middle school for that to hit home.

I am a chronic disassociator, and every day I wake up, feeling in the wrong skin, the wrong world, the wrong everything. And each day, I ground myself in the fact that the dream's aren't real, and never will be real.

I monitor my behavior everyday, online, in the real world, just to keep myself from falling into the same bad habits that have gotten me and others hurt. On days I feel like I can fly, my brain starts to whisper "jump from the roof, soar like the bird you are" and sometimes I have to physically hit myself to remind myself, you don't have wings, you are human, human's don't fly.

If I feel myself blend with the characters I make, I will step away, stop responding until I have pulled myself back together for a few days until I am safe to be around. I try hard to be tethered.

I love role play through text, the fantasy of it, but I can pull myself from it easily. I can read self inserts, I can never see myself as y/n, she was always so passive and made of glass. I can do self insert rp some times with people who know how to keep me tethered, keeping the rp world different enough from our real one that I don't see it as my world. So the lines don't blur.

"Irl rp" an rp style that takes real people and has a fake experience happen with a group of people. Has always made me uncomfortable, I get confused, why isn't the typed out message happening to me? But why do I feel the thing being typed? It blurs the lines, the lines I work so hard to keep defined, to keep me safe.

I can never believe in gods or ghosts, because I'm scared that it will blur my lines, and I want to keep the world crisp, no more voices, ghost touches that never happened, no more thinking that I can be anything other than human.

I am human, I want to feel human, I don't want to feel like a character in a story anymore.

But you say "I look like I came out of a cartoon" "main character" I'm Krowe, don't you see me?! I didn't name myself after a fictional character. I named myself after a fucking bird, because they are smart and get mistaken for the raven all the time, and sometimes look to them and wish I could fly away with them, but I'm not, it's a misspelling for a reason, I want to be, but I am not.

Because I am Krowe, and I have struggles and I see people with my struggles and I want to help them, I want others to be safe and not struggle with reality, unsure how to tell another, "hey, can we not do that, it makes it hard for me to feel real."

So please listen, please understand "act my age" I fucking am, I'm taking my issue and working with it, acting your age is to know your limits and tell people when they are crossed. Acting your age is accepting someone else's limits and adjusting and compromising with them.

I am a disassociator. And I am real. Even if I think I'm not.

Sincerely,

Kraken (Krowe)