stomachaches ; lashton

nine

luke and i sat on our patio outside, it was early in the morning. luke was mentally preparing himself for the morning, we had agreed on going live to explain everything about his issue since he's stayed quiet through all of this.

~~~

"i think a big factor that played into everything was the fact that i was exposed to the internet at a young age and on top of that i put myself out to the public eye when i was only a teenager. obviously i was very gullible and easy to control when it comes to my feelings. i was quite sensitive when i was younger, i still am to be honest. for me, my body issues came into the picture a few years before the band came to be but after you've, you know, acquired all the poor thought processes, it's really hard to get rid of them one hundred percent. so they just stay in your mind until something initially triggers them again, which for me was obviously joshua and everything that happened with him," luke stated quite calmly, i was impressed by how mature he was being.

"ashton was never the problem or the 'bad guy' in this situation. joshua was my boyfriend around the time sounds good feels good came out and he was just generally really weird. basically, he fed me. a lot. all the time. he was a feeder and i, being a gullible nineteen year old at the time, thought he would love me more if i just cooperated with it. i was wrong. i thought it was love that he was giving me but it was just some weird experiment he was doing on me i guess. he'd call me mean names and would set weight goals for me because i was obviously gaining a lot. so i told ash about it after i had enough, i was over 200 pounds which was a lot for me because, yes i'm tall but my build and body type weren't made to support that much weight. i was miserable. ashton was the one that tried to help me lose weight in a healthy way but i didn't really listen, clearly," he giggled a little bit but it wasn't in a happy way, more of a sorrowful way, "i lost a ton of weight during tour and yes, i did pass out on the second to last date because of it. i didn't plan on telling the truth about this ever but i was kinda forced to after he made the post. i've grown a lot since then, mentally and physically, and i'm much better now so there's not really a need to worry. i'm happy. i'm healthy. everything's great and i have the right support i need if i ever stumble back again."

luke sat and stared at the instagram live screen for a few minutes, reading the comments, "somebody asked how you're doing, ash," he stated, turning the camera toward me.

"i'm pretty good, thanks for asking," i replied, taking a sip of my water.

luke was then silent for awhile again before he seemed to get frustrated. "why do you guys think i'm lying? i didn't leave anything out, and even if i did it's really none of your business if i don't want to tell you." he sighed lightly, "leave me alone, leave it alone."

luke ended the stream abruptly after that, seeming rather sad.

"luke?"

the blonde shook his head calmly, "i'm okay."

"you sure?" i grabbed onto his hand gently and looked at him, "why did you end the stream?"

"they thought i was lying, i'm just a bit frustrated."

i nodded, leaning over to hug my boyfriend. he leaned into my embrace and sighed loudly.

"i just don't get it, ashton," he paused, "i don't know if this is what i wanna do anymore."

"what?"

"be in a band."

i froze, leaning away and staring directly into his eyes. was he serious?

"it's just so..mentally damaging, the biggest reason i started starving myself was because of the stress of being in this stupid band. i felt the need to be super skinny because of band stereotypes weighing down on my shoulders. and the fact that people can be so fucking rude and just bodyshame people so carelessly, do they know how fucking hurtful that can be f-for me?" luke started to break down again and i watched his body slowly crumple and cave inward as he covered his face with his hands.

"luke, it'll all be okay," i rubbed his back. "listen to me."

luke peered between his fingers and hummed quietly.

"don't ever worry about what other people will think about your appearance. if people only like us for what we look like we don't want them as our fans. the only fans that matter are the ones who will support us and our music no matter what. we aren't here to please people with our appearances, we're here to send a message with our music. you're doing the right thing, luke. okay?"

"okay," he quickly leaned back into me and gripped tightly around my waist.

"i love you."

"i love you more."

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sorry for the delayed update.