The Gap Year

Chapter 4

'Good morning everyone. I'm Emma and I will be your Representative.' My head was spinning through the claws of exhaustion and nausea resulting from my night time brawl with Dave the Head Rep, as I struggled to kick off my Welcome Meeting speech with enthusiasm.

'On behalf of Select Holidays, the UK's leading independent operator here in Corfu, I'd like to official welcome you to St. Spiridon Lagoon Beach Hotel III.' Not to be confused with St. Spiridon Lagoon Beach Hotel I&II, which although exactly the same and right next door, are restricted to our German and Dutch friends. We were all together once but that had to change and the fencing went up following the fight that broke out during the infamous "Great Lilo Race" of the last football World Cup.

'I hope that everyone is settling in nicely? Put your hands up if you are looking forward to having lots of fun in the sun here in Corfu?' I can't believe that they actually make me say this crap. What's more is that I can't believe that the twenty middle aged tourists, and their children, sitting in front of me are actually grinning and holding their hands up, their pasty white legs giddily shuffling about like some undercooked Walls sausages in a frying pan.

'So as you can probably tell, Corfu is not England.' Duh. 'It's a lot hotter here and the sun is shining.' Double duh. 'So you all need to be sensible and drink plenty of water, bottled of course, don't stay in the sun too long, and make sure you always, always wear your Factor 50.' Even when you're indoors; that sun is very powerful, remember.

Jesus Christ, I'm young enough to be these people's daughter, granddaughter even, and here they are looking at me all goggle eyed like they need me to wipe their backsides for them. Which brings me to my next point,

'You've all probably noticed that the toilets are a bit different here too? Since you can't flush the toilet paper down the lavvy you must remember that if you go poopy to put the paper in the bin provided otherwise the pipes will get blocked, and we all know what that means.'

Shit! Literally! Dave the Head Rep is here. WTF? Doesn't he have his own smarmy speech to be giving over at Pegasus Towers, part of Selects Diamante range don't you know?

'Just here to observe.' He clicked his pen twice, grinning of course. Observe what? Be cool Emma, be cool and don't let that b-nuisance throw you off. You're on a roll, look at that crowd, you're owning them. Which reminds me of my next point; the big sell, the whole objective of being here, the pinnacle of a Reps career. Commission. God I hate this bit, especially with that rodent flashing those stupid white nashers at me. I'd bet my last dime he's had veneers fitted. He is so Essex.

'So since you are all going to love Corfu and the relaxation it has to offer, why not let Select Holidays make the experience even better by joining us on our legendary "Bouzouki Boat Dinner and Dive" trip.'

Ugh, not that boat; it's almost as bad a Airport Day. Every week the same thing happens; I'm sick over the side. Dave the Head Rep says that if it happens one more time then that's it, and he drags his hand across his throat. The chop! Just like he told me I was out if I have another "funny turn" on Airport Day. Which is quite a lot of pressure since my aura has been nothing but queasy since I got here, and now that I think about it, the fact that I haven't slept for 48 hours sure is exaggerating the woozy feeling I'm experiencing now...