matchmaker // c.h.

II.

When Michael arrived home that afternoon, he was expecting Calum to be on the couch, watching The Simpsons or sleeping on the couch with The Simpsons playing on the television. What he was not expecting was Calum Thomas fucking Hood reading Harry fucking Potter.

"Hey mate," Calum greeted, his eyes glued to the seventy-ninth page of Sorcerer's Stone.

"Who are you and what have you done to my roommate?" Michael asked very seriously, having half a mind to run in the kitchen and grab a knife to protect himself from the stranger in the living room.

Calum flipped him off, still not looking up from the book. "I'm just reading; how is that so weird?"

"You're reading," Michael pointed out, astonished. "Calum Hood, the guy who failed English and Literature three times is reading Harry Potter without having to be gagged and tied up. Is that normal to you?"

"I just thought I might give it a try," Calum said. "It's really good."

"I'm sorry, did I hear you right? You're enjoying it?" Michael asked disbelievingly. There was no chance this was the guy he grew up with.

"Fuck off," Calum sighed, "I want to read." He flipped a page.

Michael snickered. "You're a nerd." He ran quickly to his room, slamming the door shut.

When Michael left the room, Calum immediately grabbed his phone from under the table and began scrolling through the profiles on Tinder.

Lena - 24 - Manhattan

FULL NAME: Lena Hannigan
DESCRIPTION: Shameless 24 year old who loves Troye Sivan and bands.
FAVORITE COLOR: Pastel colors. And black.
FAVORITE TV SHOW: Who on earth doesn't like Friends?
FAVORITE MOVIE: Harry Potter. Need I say more?
FAVORITE BOOK: Harry Potter. Duh.
FAVORITE SINGER/BAND: Troye Sivan (my baby), One Direction (no shame) and Fall Out Boy (because why not?)
FAVORITE SONG OF ALL TIME: This is impossible to answer. Easy Target by Blink-182.
HOBBIES: Playing Pokèmon (I will never be embarrassed by this), reading, writing.
DISLIKES: Posers, ignorant people, arrogant people. Basically people. And bitter food. (Who even likes bitter food?)
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS?: Still waiting for my Hogwarts letter. But hopefully -- yeah, no, I'm still waiting for my letter.
HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?: Are you shitting me I can't even take care of myself how the fuck am I going to watch over a baby
WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A POTENTIAL PARTNER?: Should like Harry Potter and Fall Out Boy as much I do, tolerates 1D (even better: loves 1D), doesn't mind I'm still stuck in my emo phase, doesn't mind my messiness/laziness/angst, loves me for who I am, supports gay rights, supports feminism, intellectual, likes Pokèmon. Oh, and he/she should be funny as hell, too. Also, must be devastated when Zayn left. (Or pretended to care for me.) Yes, my standards are this high on a dating website. Fuck it. (Plus, doesn't mind I swear a lot.)
MOTTO IN LIFE: 99% of the time I have no idea what's happening - Liam Payne, 2k15

SEND LENA A REQUEST?
SWIPE LEFT FOR NO, SWIPE RIGHT FOR YES

Calum swiped right.

YOUR REQUEST HAS BEEN SENT!

Calum wasn't sure about his decision. But it was too late, anyway.

LENA: hi i noticed you aren't that repulsed by me

LENA: i'm lena btw :) [just clarifying that i did use my real name which tbh is quite stupid smh]

LENA: yes, in response to you mental question i am 24 yrs old and using teenage slang fight me

LENA: okay okay delete conversation

LENA: hi i'm lena and what's your name? :)

CALUM: I'm Calum (: haha I used my real name too ur not alone

LENA: ur stuck between proper grammar and internet slang 2k15 there is something wrong w/ u

LENA: i'm joking pls dont be one of those easily offended assholes

CALUM: I can tell ur quite nervous aha

LENA: no shit sherlock

LENA: speaking of sherlock do you watch sherlock

LENA: i s2g i am more indecisive than

LENA: uh

LENA: what things are indecisive

LENA: oh my god can i delete my life this is more embarrassing than

LENA: fuck my lifes

CALUM: *life

CALUM: (:

LENA: no.

LENA: this has been fun well talk to you tomorrow? :)) [just dont show me your dick pls]

CALUM: talk to you tomorrow ((: I dont have any plans to show you my dick don't worry

LENA: okie doks just making sure goodnight calum :) x

CALUM: Goodnight Lena (: x

Tinder experiment: Success. (Maybe. Hopefully.)

a/n hello!!! are you guys still there haha
so I GRADUATED W/ 3 MEDALS I AM SO HAPPY YIPPEE

anyway sorry for the lame update huhu i'm sleepy and stiLL NOT OVER THE FACT THAT ZAYN LEFT 1D

but back to the point on monday i shall update again regularly yay hurray for productive nicole
(if i dont update im probs re-reading harry potter so)

GOODNIGHT AND I LOVE YOU ALL
- nicole :*