Darkness carved in bone

Chapter 17

Ten

Ten felt his vision narrowing as he looked at Helen as she was accusing him. The golden light that had filled her when they had been laughing was almost becoming painful to look at as his vision seemed to focus entirely on her.

The storm was howling outside, making it almost impossible to think at all. The wind was crashing against the walls, making the cabin walls creak in protest. The wind was forcing itself down the chimney threatening to choke the fire, which made the cabin grow dark, and that made her glow stand out even more.

He noticed pain coming from his jaws, and realized he had been gritting his teeth hard, until it hurt. The pain drew him away from his chaotic mind for a moment, but he was returned to his thoughts immediately. Why did she have to be so clever and connect the dots between him saving her and the queen? It made him furious that she had refused and rebutted his statement about being in control so quickly. It felt as if his blood was boiling inside him.

What angered him even more was that she was right. At least on one level. The queen did control him. He hated to admit that to himself. And now, Helen was trying to force him to admit that to her as well. But he knew he was too proud to do that. He would rather die in this cabin than ever admit to her that she had been right.

He felt himself forming his hands into fists where he stood. But he knew the anger that was rising inside him now was not anger towards her, but anger towards himself. The scrutinizing eyes of the queen that flashed before his eyes told him as much. He was angry at himself, because he knew on some level why he had saved her, but he wasn't sure if he was ready to truly admit that to himself. It would become too real if he told her.

Because why had he saved her? Could it not just have been for the queen? No, that meant he had to admit that he was being controlled by her. And he would not do that. He tried to convince himself that it had only been one moment of weakness, where he had ended up saving her just because he in that moment hadn't wanted her to die. And did it really matter at all then? She didn't matter, his lands and the people of darkness were what mattered. He tried telling himself that over and over again.

But Helen's golden face flashed before his eyes, and then the memory of her blue and ice-cold body came to his mind. The vision reminded him of the panic he had felt when he had thought she was dying, and the thoughts that had formed in his mind. The panic had not been because he was afraid that she would die and he would not have been able to take her to his queen and claim his victory, but because.... But because he had been afraid of the pain that he knew he would have been left with if he had lost her. And the thoughts about how far he would have gone to keep her alive chilled him even now.

But he could not admit to that, and he could not lie and tell her that he had saved her because of the queen and admit that he was under her control.

He was in an impossible deadlock, and that made him fume with anger as the chaos raged in his mind as thousands of thoughts flew rampant in his mind.

The storm was increasing, and the bolted door started rattling against its frame wanting to break free and welcome the storm inside. The glass in the windows creaked in response to the harsh treatment they were getting from the wind. The snow sounded like projectiles against the walls. A gust of wind found its way through the chimney and brought with it heaps of snowflakes that danced fiercely around them. The storm had penetrated the cabin, and the wind was howling in his ears. The wind blew out the last dying flames in the firepit, and somber darkness forced its way inside.

A flash of panic became evident in Helen's eyes. She was beginning to fear the storm outside and that it would kill them if they did not stop fighting soon. When Ten saw the panic in his eyes, he was filled with panic as well. But he also felt an urge inside himself to protect her and make her panic and fear go away. That urge made him decide, and in deciding he freed himself from his self-imposed deadlock.

He took a deep breath, and it almost felt like he inhaled the storm with him, "I saved you because I wanted to save you. Not because of the prophecy or my queen. But because I didn't want you to die. Because I dreaded the pain I would feel if you died." His heart was pounding in his chest like a galloping horse, and his mouth became dry. "Because I couldn't bear losing your light," he added silently.

Helen's eyes and expression became filled with understanding and confusion at the same time. Their eyes finally met with something else than anger, and their gaze became intent, his pale blue-green eyes meeting her clear blue eyes, as they both seemed to realize what he had just confessed.

As if he had said some magic words the storm disappeared. The whirling snowflakes inside the cabin stopped dead in the air, moving so slowly it was almost like you could hear their chiming movement. They glittered in the pale moonlight that shone through the window, making it apparent that the storm truly had cleared, as the moon's rays could finally reach them again.

His ears almost rang with the striking quiet that suddenly surrounded them. The constant whirlwind had become their normal, and now that it was gone, he became painfully aware of it.

He kept looking at Helen and took a step toward her, and he felt an unexpected relief, when she did not flinch away from him. He took another step towards her, so he stood by the opposite side of the fireplace from where she was standing.

She looked down for a moment before she looked up at him again with bewilderment in her expression. Her brows furrowed as she squinted her eyes slightly together. "You would feel pain if I died." It wasn't a question, just a statement, confirming that she had heard what he had said. "Does that mean that you don't intend on ending the prophecy? That you don't want me to die at all, I mean?" There was hope in her eyes and voice, and Ten couldn't help but think that that hope was something of the most beautiful and painful he had ever seen before. She was evidently afraid for her life, and the control he had over her in that regard. And that made him sick to his stomach.

He wanted to give her the answer that he knew she wanted, but there was so much conflicting thoughts and motivations inside him, that made it impossible for him to give her that. Could he give up the queen's mission to bring darkness to their lands? And could he be an accomplice to the demise of that plan? Would he deny his people the freedom from light? All those concerns made him unable to give her everything he wanted to give her, no matter how bad he felt for doing that to her. A last thought hit him before he gave her his reply; could he let her die?

So instead he told her what he could and hoped it would be enough for now. "I am as much a part of the prophecy now, as you are, if that answers your question."