One afternoon, a couple of months later, I was at home, sitting in my room alone, going through one of the copies of my own book. When I began writing, I had never imagined that it would end up becoming a novel, and that too get published. The three hundred pages book with the black and neon cover felt light as I held it in my hands. It felt strange just looking at it. The fact that this light paperback held the entire weight of my life, my memories, my dreams, my aspirations and most importantly my deepest and darkest secrets felt somehow uncanny. I looked at the cover page again. Upon the shiny black expanse was etched the title- 'Generation Love' in starkingly bright neon. It had taken me a great deal of time to think of the name, but once it came to me, nothing seemed more appropriate.
As Aabir uncle had promised, the edits done to the text were kept to the minimal keeping the entire essence of originality. "It's a teen novel," he had said to me. "We'll keep it that way." Going through the chapters one after the other, I couldn't help but think about the reactions of both Sid and Kavya. They had each received a copy through mail as I had insisted. But the thought made me nervous. I wasn't sure if Kavya could go through the task of reading through the entire of it. I know her enough to understand how impatient she is. She would read the chapters with much enthusiasm, but the monotonous routine would eventually tire her, and she would give up. Her praises would be genuine too. I knew that as well. She would be the happiest, bragging about me to her friends, showing off my work, taking some credit for her own in the process. It made me smile. 'If only...'. The words never complete as the thought ceases midway and Sid's face flashed before my eyes. What would he think about it? If he read it carefully enough, he could make out the contrasts I had made in the story. Would he make it doubtful? Could he eventually be able to make the hidden meaning and guess the truth? About my feelings for her. I was too scared to ponder about the answer. But then things turned out to be much differently than I had anticipated. Little did I know, my temporary moment of joy would take away much more than what it had provided.
I heard the dorbell ring. 'Someone's in a rush' I thought, evident from the hurried and continous ringing. 'It must me mom,' I thought as I came out of my room. She had gone out to the market and I was alone at home. But as I opened the door, I was surprised to find Sid standing there.
"Hey man, when did you come?" I said unlocking the grilled gate. "Come in. And close the door behind you," I said, turning away. I came into the hall and sat down on the couch as Sid walked in.
Just by looking at him, I could easily make out that there was something terribly wrong. His appearence was the premonition of something awful. His face was red, his hair almost unbrushed, and most strinking of all, his eyes, they had a look in them that I had never seen before. Was it anger, hatred, or disappointment, I didn't have the courage to contemplate. As he walked in and stood in front of me, all i could do was stare blankly at him. I had no words forming in my head. I could not place myself in a situation like this before because I had never seen him like this before.
"What's the matter-" I began asking.
He didn't let me complete. Instead he dropped the book loudly on the table in between us. "What the hell is all this about?" he shouted at me. His voice, loud enough to have momentarily taken me aback.
I could not comprehend the reality of the situation. It all felt like a bad nightmare, one I wanted desperately to wake up from. My bestfriend was standing there in front of me, in my house and was shouting at me. were my fears coming true? Did he know the truth? Was he angry because I liked the same girl he was with? Did Kavya know? Or was it something else? I didn't know. I couldn't tell my looking at him. I was scared. And confused. "What?" I managed to utter collecting my strength together.
"Is that all you have to say? WHAT?"
"I do not understand what you mean."
"Oh. You don't understand, do you? Why would you?" He kept staring at me for some more time. His eyes were fixed on mine and I could clearly see the rage in them. Then something happened that I wasn't ready for. The fury in his eyes, subsided. He sat down. His shoulders dropped, his reserve broken, and his look told me the anger was gone. Something else took its place. It was regret.
"Why Dhruv? Why would you do this?," he said, no longer looking at me.
I had no answer to give to him. He went on.
"We grew up together Dhruv. I trusted you. Like I have never done with anyone. All those years we spent together, and it meant nothing to you? You turn your back on me, just like that? You betrayed me Dhruv. You betrayed our friendship. You destroyed everything we stood for, and for what? This?" he said, pointing towards the book on the table. He was looking back at me, his eyes cold and his voice clear. "I told you everything. Trusted you with my feelings, my secrets, things that I myself could never admit to myself. I thought you were my best friend, you would listen to me, help me out when I was in distress, never had I doubted that you were using me all the while."
I realized things were going way more dangerously than I could have imagined. "You're wrong Sid, I-"
"I know exactly what you would say to me Dhruv. You've opened yourself up now. You are transparent to me now. I see right through you. You sold me out. Everything I told you, all those details, damn, how could I not have realized it before, everything personal, every hidden secrets I had not even disclosed to Kavya herself, I told all of it to you and for your own benefit. So that you pen down my feelings, my secrets and make fun of me, my emotions. So that you could write your book and publish it. Make up an image of a hot shot young writer. You-"
His words made me loose my cool. He had gone too far. It made me stand up. "Sid you are wrong. You have no idea what you are talking about. You can't blame me like this. You are crossing your limits now."
"Am I? Oh yes. You are a celebrated young author now. Not a commoner anymore. Not even a friend."
His words slapped me in my face.
"I did what I did for myself. I did not write anything intending to insult you or degrade your feelings. I wrote what I felt like I should write. It's just a damn story afterall. You don't get to be a cry baby for it. I do not understand what's the damn fuss is about afterall?"
"You could never never understand. I wouldn't expect you to. That would make you a decent human being. And not a back stabbing piece of shit who goes around selling their best friend's secrets just for making a name for himself."
"Don't you dare, Sid. Do not talk to me about secrets. Everyone has them. And for one reason only. To be revealed. Do not forget why Kavya is with you in the first place. Was it not because of these secrets? It was because of me you could even manage to reveal your feelings for her in the first place. I hope you've not forgotten that. If not for me you would have ever remained a cowering nobody who runs back to the arms of the person he had hurt just because he was hurt himself. Grow up Sid. Learn to deal with things."
He was silent after that. We both kept staring at each other, for who knows how long. There was an unsettling silence between us. It was the most unnerving moment of my entire life. Finally, he broke the silence. He stood up to leave. "Dhruv, we were friends once, best friends I might dare to say now, hell you were almost like a brother to me, but not anymore. You're dead to me. I know now why you had to spend so much time away from us for the past year. You knew you were at fault and that made you feel guilty. You were ashamed to show yourself to us. Your words today proved me right. I have no regrets but just one. That I trusted you. And you broke that trust. I want you to remember this guilt. Remember this moment. Maybe it'll help you to keep yourself away from me. From us. " He paused for a while, probably catching his breath after having to release himself from the burden of the words he had just uttered. "You betrayed me Dhruv. You betrayed our friendship. I despise the moment I first met you. In fact, I wish we had never met. I hate you Dhruv. I fucking hate you." Saying this he left out of the without even glancing back for one last time.
I sat down. Dejected. Lost. His receding footsteps could be heard ringing heavily around the room. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I didn't want to. I had lost my love already. And then, I lost my friendship. Everything that I had once held dearest to me was gone. Just in an instant. Like a fire going out. Looking at the table I found he had left his copy of my book. The sight of it made the realization even more corporeal. Like a scar reminding of the pain. Sid's face kept flashing back and forth before my eyes. The rage and disappointment that I saw in his, were so intense that they had etched themselves in my memory. You always know when something like this happens. I knew too then, that I would never forget that face, never knowing though, that it had been the last time I had seen it before very long time.
