Babysitter With Benefits

35

Gianna's P.O.V

She's dead. Helenas dead.

The reality sets in like an explosion, obliterating all your rational thoughts until all thats left is indescribable pain.

"Gianna? Gianna, whats wrong?"

You open your mouth to say something. Anything. All that comes out is a useless rush of wordless air.

Oh the children. Their whole worlds must be shattered.

You scramble up from your seat, knocking over your drink in the process as you rush towards the door, shoving past the crowd of people piling in. Natalie calls after you, but you don't look back. You let your feet carry you outside, stumbling onto the curb, your sobs finally breaking free from your throat.

"Gianna, what the hell is going on? Are you okay?"

Her arms encircle you, attempting to steady you as your legs give out from the panic seizing your mind.

"I-I have to get to them"

"Who?"

"Jeremiah. The kids. I have to go back. Can your drive me?"

"Right now?"

"Yes. Their moms dead. Its all my fucking fault. She's dead. I have to go back. They are probably torn apart inside. Please? Will you take me?"

She squeezes your arms and nods frantically, before she begins pulling you in the direction of her car. Your legs wont carry you fast enough, every breath is painful as guilt floods you.

Oh god. Jeremiah was right. I should've never been selfish and did what I thought was best. Look what's happened.

"I-I should call him"

Your hands are shaky as you stumble with your phone, and Natalie stops to pout her hand atop of yours.

"Is that a good idea? You're really shaken up right now"

"Fuck"

You contemplate whether you should wait. Unsure if the hour ride in silence will give you clarity or amplify your anxiety.

"lets go"

She gives you a sad, half smile, and begins scurrying to the drivers side when you arrive at her car.

"He's going to hate me... forever. Doesn't matter what he said earlier. He will never forgive me for this"

You yank the door open, depositing yourself onto the seat. Your eyes sting, swollen from the tears that are pouring loosely down your face. You wipe at them as they begin to irritate your cheeks, but you cant keep up with the boundless flow.

"It's going to be okay, Gianna"

"You don't know that"

"This will pass. Regardless of how painful it may be. You will get through this. I promise"

She pulls out quickly into the street, and you're jolted backwards in your seat as she speeds, having remembered the directions from the time she visited you when you used to work there.

I'm the reason those kids don't have a mother anymore.

That thought brings another onset of sobs and tears that crumble you completely. The silence deafening in the car. It shroud you like a plague, and smothers you in its darkened embrace. Even your sobs have become ghostly quiet, only present in the small gasp of breath you take every few seconds. If Natalie is uncomfortable, she doesn't make it known. She offends you solace in softly uttered words

He should've never hired me. Everyone would be spared this pain.

You jolt in surprise when your phone begins to ring, and just as you expect, his name appears ominously on the screen. With a deep breath, you answer it quickly, avoiding Natalies narrowed gaze.

"Jeremiah?"

You hate how breathless, and weak you sound when his name leaves your lips. You wanted to come at this in a position of strength for the children, but if this is any testament to how you're going to be around them, then strength is the farthest thing from what you'll bring.

"I'm so sorry... I'm almost there"

I wouldn't be surprised if he told me to turn around and never go there again. I wouldn't blame him.

His voice soft. As if he's afraid raising it will break you. It unnerves you in the worst way, and you have to bite your quivering lip to suppress your sobs.

"Gianna. My children need you here"

"Gray? Rissa?"

"Yes. They want you to console them"

They want me.

"They need you"

I don't know how to feel about that.

It feels nice to be needed. But horrible to feel nice about the children needing you in a dire time you've created.

"I'm almost there. W-when did it happen?"

He doesn't even ask you to specify, aware you're talking about Helena's passing. He's quiet for a month, his reluctance evident in the stretch of silence that feels like an eternity. When he speaks, you nod, despite the fact he cannot see you.

"It happened a few hours ago. Organ failure"

"Oh my god. Thats horrible. I take full responsibi..."

"Gianna... I'll just talk to you when you get here"

Exhaustion makes his tone gritty, and hoarse. You frown, cupping the side of your face - a million words lingering on your tongue that you doubt will make anything better.

"Okay.. see you soon"

When you pull the phone away from your ear, Natalie laces a hand on your shoulder, and shushes her head.

"You need to stop blaming yourself. This is not your fault. She was already an addict. Probably fought with it for years. You cannot blame yourself for wanting her at her kids party. Thats not on you"

"You don't understand..."

"I understand pretty damn clearly"

She places her hand back n the steering wheel, clenching it tightly as anger makes her tense her jaw.

"I understand that you wanted his children to see their mom because you care about them more than the stupid feud between both parents. She was going to relapse regardless of that because sometimes things are just meant to happen. You don't hear or that guilt, and don't let him place blame on you. Christ, you're a good person, Gianna. And this is an unfortunate thing, but you didn't put that needle in her arm"

You remain silent as she pulls on the street Jeremiah's house is off of. Her words sink into you, but yet your mind still fights the logic behind them, because no matter what anyone says, its yourself who places blame on the outcome.

God. Here goes nothing.