Feelings

V.XVIII.XXI

I just want to disappear

Go off the grid and not tell anyone

I'd know where I'm at, so I'll be okay.

It would be me against the world... I think of this everyday and because of that, I want to do it more and more...

I can't do that, what will they say? "She gave up"?Who will I hurt? Who will I leave with a broken heart?

But I shouldn't care about that.. I shouldn't right?

I've spent these nights crying my eyes out, why? you ask.. well I just have kept it all in for a couple of years now.

I had to cover my face with a pillow so no one would hear me but once I started, it just overflowed, I couldn't stop.

I went to sleep at 5am that night, then the following night at three, and then after that, 5am has been my bedtime.

I'd wake up to wash and cleanse my face so she wouldn't see the streams and the bags under my eyes, then go back to sleep and when she would leave I'd get back up and plan my escape route..

Although I don't know if I'll be able to not let them know where I'm going...

I masked myself for years, lying to myself by saying I was happy so that maybe if I kept that lie going it would come true but now..

see now I can't even recognize the girl I see in the mirror...

Her eyes are lost, her smile isn't genuine, her nose, her face pale, with no color, ran down due to her exhaustion. Her mask broke through and no one noticed.

Except the one guy, that one guy that called me many months ago and initiated my thinking..

I'm afraid, afraid of myself. My family thinks all I do is sit around and not do anything but I stay in my room because when I go out they're the ones that hurt me the most.

I just don't know anymore, it seems as if everything I do is wrong, I breathe and everyone is yelling at me...