Feelings

IX.XIII.MMXXI

My emotions are so profound.
It's so unnecessary. I hate that when I feel, I feel sooo much... it's almost too much
I feel like there might be a serious problem there.

I can't seem to stop loving him. As much as I try, he's always in my mind. Always invading every part of my life. Everything around me, my air, my blood, my bed, my pillows, my violin. Everything, absolutely everything screams him. It's always him

He'll never love me the way I love him. He doesn't view me like that. He is my everything and every second I spend with him just happen to be the best moments, my happiest moments.

I speak through music. Music is my everything, without music, I would be more depressed than I truly am. And today while in that car with him I chose music that explained how I felt. I sang my heart out. I poured my heart out. But he did too. He sang too and I think he didn't understand what I was trying to tell him.

I am invaded by this man. But I will never be able to invade him the way he invades me. I'm tired of waking up. Of waking up and smiling every day. I've managed to wake up. Smile. Cry at night. Until I fall asleep. Wake up smile cry then sleep.

I want to smile genuinely not fake my way through it. I'm tired of not being in love. I'm tired of not loving someone that loves me. I'm tired of not loving who I look at when I'm at the mirror. I'm tired of eating. I'm tired of breathing. I'm tired of the cycle. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of being surrounded with people but not being surrounded by people. I'm tired of faking it till I make it.

I'm tired of all this shit. Of life. Of pain. Of emotions. Of feeling empty. I want to feel full. I want a life full of love, genuine love. Genuine care. Genuine everything. I'm sorry I want to leave this earth. I'm sorry that every night and morning I pray just so he can take me away. I'm just over this crap and I will never, I will never... I will never do it myself. So I guess I'll just continue the prayer. Maybe one day he'll finally answer and take me away.

Life has been nothing like what I expected. I'm torn. I'm broken. I'm depressed. At least that's what I'm guessing. I just don't want anything anymore. I just want happiness and to be full and to be amazing and to be everything I am not.

There are days I don't eat at all. Cause I forget or am not hungry or I just don't want to eat cause of the weight. Then there are other days I eat how I'm supposed to. Cause I have to. Because I am never ever hungry. I eat cause I have to. Not because I want to.

Maybe if I stop eating enough days, I will be thin enough. Or maybe I stay at the same damn weight I currently am. I just want to be enough. I'm not enough. I'm not as beautiful. I'm not as thin. I'm not as funny. I'm not as confident. I'm not as sexy or hot as the other girls. I'm me. I'm what people don't want to be. I'm a monster, I'm someone you don't want near anyone you love.. I'm nothing.
It's all I've ever been .. nothing.. absolutely nothing