Feelings

X.XIX.XXI

The call..
He heard the sadness in my voice, we had been best friends for three years now, I loved him but when I told him that love wasn't reciprocated, as much as it hurt me, I had to stop talking to him, which made me put my brave face on.

He was my best friend. He really was but I couldn't be hurt anymore. The feelings for him are gone. I don't feel anything for anyone, I don't think I could put myself through that again..

The day he called me, it was so random, almost like he knew what was going on..

He heard the sadness in my voice and said "don't lie to me, I know you too well, how are you?" I couldn't lie to him, I stayed quiet..
He asked one more time and then said "you don't have to tell me what's wrong, just tell me if your okay or not"
I started crying. He heard me and said I just needed to say it. To accept that it is okay to have feelings, that it's okay to not be okay, to be in the state I am today.

And that's what got my mind started. My anxiety is back, it never left, I just feel it now, that mask isn't there anymore, so I can't hide behind it...

He was what triggered it, I'm grateful. If I never got slapped with that question, I would still be living in a facade.

He is the only one that has brought me peace. That actually cares about how I am mentally. Or so I think.. I think he sees himself in me. He's failed to let his own feelings known which isn't good but I feel like when he helps me, it's his therapy.

At this point, he knows too much about me, he hears the pain in my voice, the emptiness void in my eyes, but he doesn't love me. We're the best of friends who will never be lovers.. if I were to disappear I would keep in contact with him and only him. He doesn't deserve to be broken, he's had too much of that in his life.

I love him with my whole heart. But he won't ever see me like that. Never.

So I want to leave. Start over. Leave everything behind so that maybe, just maybe I can live in a world where I find happiness starting over..