Feelings

VII.XVIII.MMXXI

It's almost as if I'm not enough for anybody now...

I shouldn't feel this empty hole in my heart.

I shouldn't feel sadness creeping through my veins 24/7...

I should be happy, I want to be happy. I really do..
I just. Don't entirely know how to do so.

I shouldn't feel this empty, like I'm living a purposeless life.

Almost like there's no light at the end of the tunnel this time.
Almost like I would do everyone a solid with leaving.
Far far away. Further away then any of them can imagine.

Almost like they're getting what they want.

Like they don't want or love me

They never have. never did. and never will.
I'm not what anybody wants.

The emptiness is consuming me.
Like a leech, it's sucking every chance of life in me.

I want to be numb, to ignore the pain, to ignore the thoughts and to not care.
To not feel anything, oh that would be the dream

It's tiring. I can't cry in front of anyone. So I wake up every morning with slight irritation
Slight burns on my face replacing the tears that were there the night before.

I uh- I just don't know what to do anymore-

All of my dreams and goals erased just because I want to be set free

I want a lonely life. I've put too much trust in people, I should stop that right away

How long until they realize the facade im living in?

How long until they realize that I pray every morning.
I pray for a car to unexpectedly come and hit the side I'm sitting in.
Or to hit me on the side of the road where I'm walking
Or someone takes me away.

It's not what I should pray for. It really isn't
But it's the only thing I look forward to every morning.

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow.. maybe tomorrow...

They want me gone. I know they do.

I can feel it. I can sense it.

I have to set my old goals aside. I have to .

I need to live a life away from what is causing me so damage.

But what if what's causing even more damage is your mind?

What do I do then?

What do I turn to when everyone has turned on me?

What then?

I just want quiet.

See the world by myself.

Explore and live life to the fullest with myself.

I am losing myself.

The only one I had. I'm losing her. She's disappearing.

That girl that was once happy.

First her heart
Then her eyes
Her smile faded
And lastly her spirit

She had so much hope in what this world would give her

But was easily broken by those she loved

By those who seemed genuinely interested in her

But ended up breaking her.

Those who looked to take care of their own pleasures, no matter how she felt.