★ | I, Rhys Kakyoin | Jotakak

☆ SERENDIPITY [I]

"Say my name, sunshines through the rain;
my whole life, so lonely, then you come and ease the pain."

- Eternal Flame, The Bangles

☆

When I am most awake, most present in the moment, every sense of nature converges into a single energetic joy. It's as if there is a feeling passing between each living thing, a bond that is tangible and blended, a melody beyond the range of ears but available for the heart. And so, as each leaf that parts from its tree moves in the wind, a part of me does also. It's the togetherness of what is separate, the glue in the universe.

I'm on my way to my new school, and the first thing I admire is the bare trees and layers of snow that decorate the town wonderfully as I pass by rows of villas, some of them having parents bidding their children farewell as they, clad in their school uniform - beige blazers and blue ties - walk mirthfully towards their school, which should be the same as mine.

When I'm closer to Shinrinyoku High School, I notice about four students who look to be in my school as well gather in a crowd as they start chattering away gleefully, talking about their own silly things, as all good friends do. All I can do is watch from a distance, in gaiety because I'm glad they're enjoying themselves, and in low spirits because I've never gotten the pleasure of experiencing such joy.

All my life, I've never really had a good friend to accompany me to school or spend time with me after it's over. They've always had their own companion to be with when school is over, and I'd be left alone in my own personal corner to maybe read a book or something. I could've cried in the middle of the classroom and nobody would care, really. It's happened once. Perhaps I should just accept that, but... it isn't a lovely feeling.

Whenever such things happen, it always feels as if it's because of something I did, or something I have in me. At one point sometime, I'd wonder to myself, "Why does nobody like me?" and so far I've found a lot of possible answers. Am I too much of a book reader and people think I don't bother to make friends? Am I mean to people? Do I drive them away because they think I hate them? Perhaps my eyes or maybe my hair is an obtrusive colour and nobody likes me for that? It's this somewhat bright shade of red, and red is the bloom of poppy meadows, of the silken petals that sail upon calm updrafts... but it makes me stand out. Do I have such unorthodox tastes that people find me weird? All of these are plausible, but one reason that I admit I feel is the most likely is that I'm simply not a native Japanese... and that's something I can't change or do anything about. I mean, I had to scientifically prove to the school that my red hair wasn't dyed or permed like I did other schools.

My way of stating my opinionated answers even feels so hateful, and it sends guilt down my throat and into my stomach to roll around and discomfort me for the rest of the day.

Now I'm in this new school and things are definitely going to be different. The people I will meet there won't be the same as the people in the last school. Maybe I can have a chance to show them that I do want friends, and I don't hate anybody... hopefully, if they brush off the fact that I wasn't born here or that neither of my birth parents are Japanese.

* * *

Once I reach my school, I take a moment to marvel at the architecture. It feels quite welcoming from the entrance to every hallway within. It takes on such simple shapes, filling up the expanse well, and its colour theme is calming to the eye, as if it blends well with nature like lovely colours poured into a pot and stirred well to mix into a prettier hue. The school itself, I figure from the aged walls and red-shingled gable roofs, has a lot of history. I can see students entering their classes from the windows as I pass through the gate and into the school building, the atmosphere already filled with chatter, indistinct and scattered amongst each group of students strolling around me, the only one who walks alone, his head hung low and his eyes gazing down at his shoes gliding across the floor.