Lies We Tell

15 : Disaster Recoupling

Zahra was filled with a torrent of emotions. She and Lucas had crossed a line, and she was all mixed up about it. On one hand she was unbothered-- they hadn't done anything innately wrong. On the other hand, part of her felt cheap and used for getting on in secret tucked away in the bathroom shower stall. They had agreed on no labels, no pressure, no big, fast steps, yet they still waded into dangerous territory anyway.

Lucas had been really respectful of her. He hadn't expected anything in return from her, and he'd been kind and gentle as he helped her clean up and compose herself. He didn't have to do any of that, yet he had anyway, and then he waited patiently behind as she exited the bathroom first to cover up what they'd gotten into.

With his easy receptiveness, Zahra was struggling with the guilt and shame she was feeling because it seemed irrational. At the same time, the recoupling weighed heavily on her mind and made her worry that she'd lose Lucas, which seemed far more difficult to cope with after being so vulnerable with him. She was no stranger to casual hookups and flings, but things in the Villa were different-- time moved at a rate far faster than the real world, and there was no excuse not to build something with the people here.

Only Zahra and Hope seemed perturbed about the upcoming recoupling ceremony. Zahra had heard all about Hope and Noah's fight in the bathroom long after her moment with Lucas from the other girls and she knew they were still on very rocky terms. Marisol seemed to have adopted a passive attitude about the recoupling, probably thinking things would either work in her favor or against her favor with no in-between. Even Chelsea was unperturbed, which was made clear by the way she spent the entire following morning fluttering around between groups of islanders asking for the gossip and details surrounding the recoupling. She was effortlessly relaxed enough to make jokes and have fun with it, which was something Zahra envied. She wanted to be more carefree and relaxed, but she was realizing now that she had lost that privilege when she first invited Lucas to bed.

Maybe that explained why she put space between them the next day. Being so intimate so fast scared her knowing it could all be ripped away, so she had to take precautions, make smarter choices. Of course, it felt like Lucas was learning how to read her so well because he tracked her down in the kitchen in the afternoon when she went to refill her water bottle alone.

"You're avoiding me," he stated, sure of it, as he leaned against the counter. "Want to tell me why?"

"I'm not avoiding you," she replied, screwing her water bottle lid back on tight.

"Look at me, Zahra." She hesitated, but then did as he asked. He ducked his head to meet her gaze fully. "Is this because of last night? Because we-"

"It's not." Zahra set her water bottle down, exhaling heavily. "Not completely, anyway." His expression shuttered, so she rushed to explain. "I do not regret what we did. I wanted you to kiss me, and to...." She cleared her throat. "I promise I do not regret that. I just-"

"What?" Lucas peered at her closely, his forehead creased. "I don't mean to pressure you. I'm just trying to understand. One minute we're good, and the next-"

"I know this is going to sound crazy," she said, laughing a little because she didn't know what else to do, "but you make me nervous. How I feel around you, how I want to be around you..." She trailed off. "It kind of scares me."

He looked apprehensive. "Zahra-"

She stopped him. "I'm not asking for any promises, or any planning, or any pressure purposefully, but I-What we did last night, I don't do often, and-"

"Hey." Lucas came around the counter to join her on her side. "I don't either, but I'm-" Now he trailed off. When he spoke again, he changed topics. "I get it. I understand."