I Kissed a Boy

15

Three days had gone by and tonight is the party. I was able to stay locked up in my room. Only going out to eat clean and drink water. Other than that I stayed in here. Weirdly he didn't tell me I was uninvited to the party but why would I go. This was all a facade from the beginning. A lie he made up. I stared at the box for the eleventh time and anger started rising inside of me. I want to hate Julian so much but I just couldn't. My heart wouldn't give up on him. My whole mind only screamed at me to go talk to him. Find out why the sudden decision. 

But deep inside me really deep inside me it kept replaying the fun we had at the movies. Did he hate that moment? Did he not like it? Did I do something stupid? Did I say something stupid? I might recover from this. A gentle knock is heard on my door and a gentle rattle. My door is locked just in case.

"Honey? I thought you were going to the party?" Mother asked from behind the door

I sighed out and yelled out with my raspy voice "I am not feel well mom... Julian is taking someone else while I get better"

"Want me to stay with you? Do you need medicine? I can go buy some what do you have? Is he taking friend of yours? Or is he going with one of his crazy friends?" Mom bombarded me with questions

"I am ok mom... I drank some medicine and one of his dad's friends daughter so he has to keep up expectations of wealth... You know how rich families are... But go... You don't have to worry alright... Just go have some fun" I tell her as I felt tears sliding down

I don't like lying to her but I must but she spoke again "Call me if you need anything..."

"I... I will" I stutter a bit as I sat up to look at the door

I just stared at the door as I know she is still standing there. She can always worry about me but right know. All I want is to be alone. I slowly stood up as I felt so much pain in my heart that not even the way my muscles ached would distract me. I looked at the small drawer I have with materials. I have my scissors there. I should cut my hair. I hate how untamed it is. I walked to my drawers and forced it open. A few schools supplies rattled. I didn't care. The moment I heard the front door closed. I rummaged this drawer in search for the scissors I bought. I bought it for if I wanted to cut papers obviously and or make a few cute cutouts.

I found the giant pair of scissors and beside them were the small pack of razor blades. I remember buying them for the eye brow thingy. I grabbed it also and just closed the drawer. 'I should take this to the bathroom' The eye brow thingy must be in there. Maybe I could do the split eye brow thing. I hate the way I look right now. I am changing my whole style.

I am tired of being used. I am tired of being lied to. My heart hurts so much that not even Mitsuki had hurt me this hard. This is the second time Julian hurt me. SECOND TIME. Why did I fall for his tricks again? He will always use me and betray me. All he does is hurt me. Tears streamed down like crazy as my heart kept defending him. I can't curse at him. I can't insult him. I can't do anything. Without hurting myself even more. The moment I entered the bathroom I had looked around the empty bathroom. 

In the end I stood in front of the mirror and I just slammed the pack of razors on the sinks top. Anger overflowing me as I stared at myself in the mirror. I am useless. I groaned out as I just grabbed a chunk of hair and cut it.

"Your hair is so long... It's beautiful..."

His voice echoes in my mind like a melody. My eyes snapped wide open as that sentence is pretty old. He use to tell me that a lot when we were younger. After the accident he became someone else. He wasn't the Julian I met before. The one I had my first crush with. A crush will always be a crush. The way the are. The emotions they show. The way they act. It crushes your hurt until it is no more. I grabbed another piece of my hair as tears streamed down ferociously. The scissors cutting through the chunks of hair with problem.

"It's so soft... Just like a queens silk dress"

His voice in my head again. I looked at the mirror as I cut my hair again. I don't want him in my head. I clenched my teeth as I kept cutting my hair. More and more. Rage is in my blood stream right now.

"Your smile shines like the moon... I could stare at it for hours"

My throat started twisting as each time he complimented me back in past appears here in the present. Back then he complimented me so much that I even forgot it all with all his bullshit he has done. The last chunk of hair is finally cut and it felt heaviest of the rest.

"You will always look beautiful to me... No matter what you do"

I groaned out as I grabbed the opened scissors holding them really hard against my hand. I kept staring at myself in the mirror. I was seeing red. I screamed out and threw the scissors against the wall. It had crashed against it leaving a little scratch and it landed on the other side of the room. I cried like crazy. Why do I feel this way? Did I expect the old Julian to return? Did my heart just accept his lies? Why can't I get him out of my mind? I want him out of my mind. I gripped the now short hair of mine. It wasn't that short but I still had a descent chunk of it in my hands. 

"I love you..."

My mind is tricking me. He will never love me. He used me. All his actions. All the laughing. It was all a lie. He would never love me. The moment he started to have fun with me he quickly dumps me like trash. I looked at myself in the mirror again and saw how I look. Anger coursing through my veins and I just let my anger out. I punched the mirror so hard shattering it. The sting that came with it numbed some how the pain in my heart. Somehow it numbed the pain a bit but when I stared at it I remembered how Julian would panic whenever I was young. Even this made me remember of past Julian. If it wasn't for that fucking accident Julian would still be Julian.

"Your hurt... Lets get you bandaged up"

My breathing got heavy. My heart felt heavy. So much blood was coming out from my hand. My mind going back to the past as the tears were going down like crazy. Young Julian was always following me around. Always worried about me like crazy. I clenched my jaw and saw the broken glass of the mirror. I noticed the little bloodstains on it. I looked back at my hand and felt someone by me and I looked to the side. Nobody. I need to fix the mirror before mother comes back. 

"I love you..."

My body frozen from those words echoing in my mind again. I should have stayed away. Maybe even never had met him. Maybe then I would have realized so much and learned so much. But having prank wars with Julian distracted me from so much. Only having like three or four friends that were rarely with me. Even my two friends in which are dating each other had gone away. Moving to some place all alone to marry. 

They got kicked out of their own homes at such a young age so at the moment all I could do was wish them luck. After that I haven't heard of them for a while. People kept leaving my life except for Julian. Even if he didn't like me. He still remembers me. Even had me in his mind for a giant lie in which he used to make some rich whore jealous.

But he still had me in his mind. Me? Of all the other girls. Why me? Is he blind or something? I would have expected him to have forgotten me being that Mitsuki is gone. He doesn't need to impress Mitsuki or annoy me to get Mitsuki's attention. I clenched my jaw again as I just started crying like crazy. I am ugly right know. Nobody will ever fall in love with me. Never. I looked to the floor and noticed the blood. 'Fuck if mom finds out I am so dead...' 

I had looked at my hand again but thanks to this pain it made me forget the pain in my heart for a bit. That was so weird. But it didn't help anyways. I feel a bit relief after punching the mirror. Am I that ugly? That I would even take out my frustration on my own reflection. I am an idiot now. I groaned out annoyed and fall on my knees. On top of some of the broken glasses. Maybe I should have never accepted any of this. Look at me now. My heart literally believed that we were dating. I hate my own feelings. I am an idiot.

I don't even know what to do anymore.