2015; The Beginning Of My Transformation

Day 60

The song I listened to is linked above, someone special sent it to me and it always makes me feel better.

Today has been the shittiest day ever. (Excuse my language)

I woke up and I was feeing normal, fine. It was Sunday and on Sunday we go to church. For some reason when everyone was hugging me and what not, it made me feel really uncomfortable. It usually doesn't but for some reason it did. 

In my church, there are pews. I usually sit on the end closest to the wall, subconsciously. But for some reason, my mother sat at the end, which bothered me I tiny bit. I don't like sitting next to people for long periods of time as strange as that sounds. (For examples on planes I like to sit next to the window). So I now, was squeezed in between this little girl and my mother. 

Throughout the service my mother and the girl kept brushing me (accidentally, I think). I kept moving and my mother kept moving closer and rubbing my shoulder, (a loving gesture). But it just made me so uncomfortable. I don't think she got the message; it got to the point where I was squished between the girl and my mother. 

My throat became really narrow and it was hard to swallow, almost a choking sensation. My stomach started cramping. Overall it was just a really uncomfortable situation. Then it happened. My eyes started to water, my heart rate sped up.

Keep in my mind this was during a prayer so no one saw this happening. I spent a good 2 minutes blinking back tears. Coincidentally, the prayer person (not sure if they have a title) was talking about someone in the church who had recently died so everyone thought I was really upset about that. 

One of the ladies behind me started rubbing my back and that just topped the cake. Tears just started to run down my face, my breathing just became horrendous. And because I didn't want to draw attention to myself, I kind of just held it back. So, it just sounded like I was choking.

I tried blowing on my thumb because I saw a video about it on Buzzfeed. But then I remembered how stupid I looked, so I stopped. It got to the point where I felt the entire row behind me's eyes on me.

This isn't the first time this has happened, usually if it happens I just remove myself from the situation (e.g. going to the bathroom) but it was church and I didn't want to be disrespectful. 

It got so bad, to the point where my mom texted me and told me to go the bathroom and the meet her in the car. I went to the bathroom and let everything out and it felt relieving, on top of the emotions I was already feeling.

Now, I'm siting in bed, typing this and I really just want to lay here forever. I'm listening to one song, on repeat and it's making me feel so much better. 

#QOTD (I have multiples)

1. Does anyone else feel like this?

2. Any tips on preventing?

3. Is this normal?

Ps: If you don't want to talk about this publicly, feel free to message me. :)

Quote of the day: Not to spoil the ending for you guys, but everything is going to be okay 😚

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Wake up, Kick ass, Repeat.

Elle 

Xx