Fireproof

10 - Closed doors - L

I was lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. My heart felt heavy. My lungs, my entrails, my arms, legs, my whole body. Even the air I tried to breathe felt heavy. I felt guilty and sad and down. I've layed here for hours. Or days? I should look at my phone to figure it out but I didn't have the power to.

Somebody knocked at my door. I didn't say anything. I just didn't had the power to say anything.

"Louis, it's Niall. Come to eat something, please. Or at least let me in. I want to be there for you. As always. You know you can do this. And you know that I know what I am doing."

I knew. I wanted to answer, but I was too slow. After a few minutes I heard steps going away from my door.

I also knew that it would be better for me if I let them in. Niall, Liam, Zayn. All of them had knocked. But I didn't deserve this.

I finally grabbed my phone. It was already sunday evening. I had been lying here for more than 30 hours. I should have been shocked but I wasn't. Before I met Charly this was normal.

Charly! Now I was shocked. I forgot to do what she told me is so important. That I layed here for such a long time meant that I not just didn't think of eating or socialising, I also didn't think of all the stuff Charly taught me to do.

It took a lot of effort but I called her and confessed everything.

"Louis, Honey, come to me right know", she told me after I finished.

"I can't."

"But-"

"No. I'll come tomorrow morning", I interrupted her.

She sighed. "Okay. Tomorrow morning. You will ditch your lectures anyway, so I'll see you at 10 a.m. and then you go straight to Jess and you two talk. And Louis, don't miss lunch with your friends and the lectures in the afternoon."

"But I-" I started. I wasn't quite happy with the last point.

Now she interrupted me: "We talk again tomorrow."

"Okay", I give in, "Thanks, Charly. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, Honey. Everything will be fine."

"When you say so..."

"I say so. Now try to sleep."

"Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

I really tried to sleep, but my thoughts didn't let me. Why did I act like I did on friday? Whenever I am drunk normally I never change. I just reflect on the things that I do more slowly. And the things that I do are normally just the things I want to do, I have just a smaller inhibition threshold.

Why was it different on friday? Why did I came so close to Harry on friday? Why did I hug him? Hugging him had crossed a line and suddenly my ability to realize everything I was doing became higher. But why did I overreact that much? Why was I not able to act cool and calm? Was it because I was drunk? Why did I drink at the first place?

I tried to stop those thoughts but the only thing I reached was that my mind floated towards thinking about the next day. But in this case I understood everything at least.

I understood why my head ached when I woke up on saturday morning. I understood why Harry didn't show up at breakfast and I understood why he walked away from me when I saw him after breakfast and tried to talk to him. I didn't even have the chance to let him hear a 'sorry'.

After that I became more and more tired. The others thought I was just having a hangover. I let them think this and layed in my bed.

After a few hours, I guess on Saturday evening, Liam showed up. He told me that Niall was still pissed, and he and Zayn were too, but we could talk about everything and that he wanted me to come to dinner and watch a movie with the lads afterwards. As I said no he asked me if he should stay or at least come back after the movie, but I didn't deserve that. So I negated his offer and locked the door.