Don't make expectation.

Beggining to the update

As everyone knows, from years of experience either at school or just in our regular lives it is that procrastination is real. Ghosting is real and so is our fears. When I began this journey I stated out as a warning that the draft was/ is my one and only copy. For all honestly writing has been my calling for years yet my passion dwindled in the night for distraction. The drinking, drugs and sex were all a part of the procrastination of my writing.
Quite honestly, I myself am unsure why I would shy away..... My only escape if the one thing that I can express in a mediocre fashion. Grammar makes almost no sense to me. My English professor awoke the dream again.

Here is the resume of the last 6 months to say the least.

The man I was heavy yearning for for years showed me a side to him that I wanted to hide deep in the ground. Growing up sheltered made me crave rebellion like the drunk me craved that next shot to believe shit was okay. His touch was piercing hot to the touch. The young woman in me thought I finally found my "Prince Charming" even if I lied and told him I was okay with keeping things casual. This man made me understand love at first orgasm since after 4 failed abusive and cheating relationships I thought I was actually truly .... unable to have an orgasm..broken to say the least. He was the first that cared about my pleasure first and that it was good. That is another tale to tell later however.

This previous lover of mine that promised marriage and had swept me off my feet with our conversations called me out after I wouldn't of paid for their room at a local hotel and sleep with him. Part of it was my fault but honestly a no was a no.

Earlier towards the year I also ended my first and only friends with benefits. Emotionally I couldn't handle the sweet arms of my lover resembling those of my toxic ex's. The biggest downfall, was opening up completely only to see it backslap me later. My body began acting up, a missed period here and there. The depression and anxiety would eat me alive the months before and after the new year. Even though we talked about boundaries, the walls that I verbally placed for protection would crumble. This current lover of mine fell for me yet it became so toxic, The temper tantrums, yelling, only supporting me when it involved him.

He is a great guy when it's not a sex priority but seeing a reincarnated version of the worst years of my past on top with words that whispered love ...made me.. freeze. For How could I let this version of my previous monsters crumble up high and feel both safe yet afraid. I'd repeat what I wanted, what could happen. It just stopped 100% after a couple of shots when I just couldn't handle it anymore.
People mumble that liquid courage makes you say what you think of the most..what your personal truth is. Crying I had to say goodbye under a beautiful star night. I said goodbye to my best friend, to my llover, to any hope of things going back to how they used to be.
Days never seemed to end after that.

Doctor appointments became a weekly thing. If not for my back then it was to figure out what caused my woman issues.

Endometriosis stage 4.

After being told countless heart breaking news following the big day of surgery, it seemed as if everything quieted down. I thought of what if I died...what if it was worse. The next step days prior to that Star Wars morning. The room was extremely quiet and all I could feel was my mouth dry. The days in which followed now felt like an awakening. The ones i Thought would care besides my parents weren't there and my heart crushed. Half of myself surgically removed, my hormones were battling internally and now my friends .. well my friends weren't there. In this time my eyes opened to my life. I was constantly tired of the environment and people yet I never changed that. I was a people pleaser and as I mentioned earlier... I changed.

2 weeks.
I had to have 3 weeks of no work, of solitude to understand how replaceable I was to others. I had to start over and I was lost as to how.
Even with this... I was .. no I am happy. I am happy because I understood what I needed to do now. I understood where I needed to be. From here I look and work forward towards being secluded from the world but still be me. Or at least try to be the new version of myself.
At 22.. I broke and glued myself with gold.
At 22 I felt ready to change.
At 22 I am ready to finally cry a river and then model a new outfit.

In the last 6 months of 2021 I experienced heartbreak, loneliness and what being a part of the rising percentage felt like.
The only thing I could say now however is that today is over, tomorrow is a new day and that yesterday is the past.

Looking for my 3.

What are you looking for?