The door slammed behind Nich. The feeling of rage boiled in my chest, it hurt. Why does my chest always hurt? He looked so.. unbothered from what I said. I went upstairs without speaking another word. I went into just room. It still smelt vaguely of him.
That horrible, beautiful man that I cant help but love. The sweat pants smelled alot like him. I wanted to cleanse my room but something in me told me i shouldnt. Maybe if I cleansed Nich he would finally smarten up?
I dont know.
Probabky not.
I cuddling into my bed and sat there. Thinking. I thought about what I said to him and how he reacted. I'm surprised he didnt hit me.
Really surprised.
Maybe he does love me?
No.
He doesnt.
This man beat you half to death on many occasions, insulted me, tried to fuck you, and just invited himself into your house. He doesnt love me.
But maybe he might?
I just lay there before I realised I had money, maybe I should get me and Aren something? Like coffee. He deserves it after what he had to deal with. And I deserve it because Its my money. I went downstairs to see Aren looking for the remote for the living room tv.
"Hey Aren."
He smiled at me softly, "Hey Lance. What's up?"
"I was wondering if you wanted to get coffee or something, as a sorry for having to deal with me. I'll pay!"
"Dont waste your money on me, I'm okay! I understand. Something you can help me with is finding the goddamn remote."
And so we did, we found it and I eventually did get him to get coffee with me. He got one of his mocha things I got an iced coffee, a caramel one to exact.
I should ask Nich to get coffee with me someday.
I think hed like that.
~~~~~♡~~~~~
After we got home I just lay in bed. Coffee doesnt really make me hyper, I just get more tired. I turned on my tv to play some music. My music taste is very soft. I like it.
I wonder what Nich listens to?
I listen to music and just lay there. Thinking more. I've seem to do alot of thinking lately.
Thinking would be better with Nich holdibg you again. Hopefully not smelling like alcohol this time.
My bed felt very lonely, the house felt lonely. Aren went out with his friend and I have no friends I just kinda.. sit here.
I should text Nich.
No.
But I love talking to him.
No.
I grabbed my phone and opened me and Nichs messages. I stared at it. Should I? I want to.
He hates me more now.
But I adore talking to him.
I typed a message
Hanahaki is typing...
Hanahaki: hey nich
I stared at my phone a bit.
Fuck.
I closed my phone and shoved my face into the bed as I felt tears well up in my eyes.
I dont want to go to school anymore.
I checked my phone.
Message from Nichcage.
Oh fucking hell.
I opened the message, I could feel my heart beating against my ribs. I'm terrified.
Nichcage: hey Lawerence.
The period, that goddamn period.
Hanahaki: how are you doing?
Nichcage: I'm fine.
I just wanna talk to him.
Hanahaki: hey! Wanna go for coffee sometime??
Nichcage: no.
My heart dropped.
Hanahaki: why??
Nichcage: I dont like you Lawrence, never had never will, theres no point anyways. You dont like me either, just leave me alone.
You cant reply to this conversation.
I felt tears well up, that hurt. It really hurt. I put my phone down and grabbed my pillow, holding it to my chest with my body in as tight of a ball as possible, and I sobbed. I sobbed until my head pounded and until I couldnt speak even if I tried. I sobbed harder then I've ever sobbed before. I knew he didnt love me. I knew he didnt care, but I had hope that he did.
And that's what hurt.
My stupid hope.
Hope that I'm strong enough to hold someone that broken together.
Hope that he hands will feel warm against my skin, instead or either lustful or pain.
Hope that one day his smell could stay embedded in my room.
Or that hed hold me.
Hope that he could possibly love someone like me.
But my hope is stupid. Hope hurts. And I hate him. I hate that stupid fucking man with the beautiful black hair and the warm brown eyes and the cheeks that are always naturally rosy. I hate his stupid hoodie that he wears all the time and I hate the way his hands always smell like cigarettes. I hate his soft, caramel-like voice that sounds like it would taste amazing. I hate his stupid face and his perfect jawline and the fact that he wears eyeliner in his waterline sometimes but not enough for anyone to notice unless they pay attention. I hate him.
I fucking hate him.
