The Moment I Knew

Spiraling Out of Control

I woke up and slowly turned to look at the clock on my nightstand table. A week had passed. I had barely left my bed.

My phone had been continuously ringing for the last few minutes but I had completely blocked out the sound. On what seemed to be the one hundredth call, I reached over feeling for the phone, keeping my eyes fixed on the ceiling.

"Hello?" I mumbled after sliding my finger to answer the call.

"Rae? What the fuck! Where have you been?" Austin's voice came through laced with concern and anger.

"In bed." I answered simply.

"Why haven't you been answering your phone? I've been texting and calling you for days. What's going on?"

"Nothing..."

"Raegan, I'm not fucking stupid. Is this because we're in Boston? Is that why you're like this?"

"I'm not like anything..."

"Raegan, I can't deal with this. I'm booking you a flight so I can keep my eye on you."

"NO!" I sat up in bed, my breathing quickening. "I can't go to Boston!"

"I'll fly you to Jersey. You're not going to Boston. Calm down." I could practically hear Austin's eye roll.

Slowly I fell back against the pillows and pulled the blankets closer around my body.

"Are you going to be okay to fly?" He asked and when I didn't answer he let out a heavy sigh.

"Raegan. Rae. Rae! Hello? Hellooo?!"

"What?" I growled.

"Pack your shit and get on your flight to Jersey tomorrow, I'll pick you up. Okay?"

"Yeah..."

Another heavy sigh, "I love you, Raegan. I just want to help you...."

&&&&&&&&

Somehow I had picked myself up enough to get my ass on the plane. Why traveling was calming to me was somewhat of a mystery. But for some reason it kept me from staying in my head with my thoughts eating me alive from the inside out.

Being back on the bus once again was pretty uneventful. I had become less and less myself and more and more this hollow being of a person. Austin kept looking at me with disgust. I know he knew I was fucked up on stuff, but I knew he also didn't want to believe it. He was lying to himself as much as I was lying to him.

We passed into Canada and I hadn't packed a single article of warm clothing. The temperatures were in the negatives. I stayed on the bus while the guys went out for sushi and to check out the city we were in. The back lounge became my sanctuary when they were gone. No one bothered me, I could lock the door and spend all day getting high and then clean up before they got back and make it look like I had just been watching TV.

We were in Montreal and the guys had taken off to get some sushi. As soon as they left, I got out my supplies and made my way into the back lounge shutting the door behind me and laying everything out on the table. How I had been able to sneak around my drugs with all this traveling had been a secret even to myself. I figured I just kept getting lucky.

I laid out a few lines of coke on the table that I had saved for weeks. I needed a pick me up, to be myself again for Austin's sake.

As I leaned down to snort the first line off the smooth surface of the table, my good luck flew out the back lounge door as it opened.

"Rae? What the fuck are you doing?!"

I sat up in horror and saw Alan standing there looking from me to the drugs on the table, anger coursing through him as he realized what was going on.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" He asked stepping into the room. "Is that fucking coke?"

"It's not what it looks like..." I said trying to think quickly as I tried to clean up my stuff and get the drugs back in the baggie they had been in, cursing myself for forgetting to lock the door.

Alan practically laughed at me. "What do you mean it's not what it looks like? Is this what you've been doing? Is this why you've been such a fucking weirdo? Because you're doing blow?"

"No! Alan, please!"

He smacked the bag out of my hand and I fell to the ground at his feet.

"Don't tell Austin..."I pleaded as I began to cry. "Please, don't tell him...."

"Don't tell Austin?" Alan asked. "Do you honestly think I'm not going to tell him?"

"Alan, please!" I said standing on my feet again.

"No, Rae! He needs to know. This is fucked up! What are you thinking? You're going to kill yourself!"

I lunged for him, trying to get my drugs back but he put his arm out and held me away. I almost fell to the ground again crying.

"Rae, stop. I'm doing this for your own good. I'm telling Austin."

"Alan, don't fucking tell Austin...please!" I screamed.

"Don't tell me what?"

The world went into slow motion as my eyes went from Alan's face to see Austin's standing just over his shoulder.

"What's going on, Alan?" Austin asked coming closer. I broke down in hysterics realizing I had been caught.

"I'm sorry, dude. I-I don't know what happened. I came to get my laptop and I found her blowing lines off the table." Alan slowly handed Austin the baggy.

"Do me a favor and flush this." Austin said after looking in it.

Alan took it and went to the toilet; I didn't even try to protest.

"Where's the rest of it?" Austin asked me gently.

I had expected screaming, yelling, negativity; the same reaction Alan had had. But Austin was being calm, gentle, composed; it was almost scarier.

"In my bag..." I murmured.

"Get it." Austin directed.

I squeezed past him, the whole time worrying he was going to reach out and hurt me like I was sure he wanted to inside. I went to my bag and pulled out everything I had. Everything. I laid it all out on the table in the front lounge.

"Holy fuck, Rae..." Alan mumbled looking at everything.

Austin sat down and put his head in his hands.

"I thought you stopped this Rae?" He said after minutes of silence, his eyes coming up to bore into mine.

"I-I tried. I really tried." I said shaking my head and feeling the tears again. "I couldn't though and I lied to you. I don't know how to deal with my issues any other way...."

"You swear this is all of it? I'll go through all of your bags right now."

"No, I swear. I promise." I said crying.

"Take all of it and get rid of it." Austin instructed. I did as he said scared of what would happen if I didn't.

"It's all gone." I said when I had finished.

Not saying a word to me, he got up and left the bus. Tears in my eyes, I sank down onto the couch
and looked at Alan.

"I'm sorry..." I mumbled.

Alan came over and wrapped his arm around me pulling me into him. "Rae, calm down. I'm not mad at you."

"You were!" I lashed out.

"But I'm not now! Rae, I didn't know it was so bad. I wish you had told me. I could have helped you."

I kept shaking my head. "I need to leave."

"Rae...no. You're staying here. Okay? Don't worry about Austin; he just needs to clear his head." Alan said squeezing my shoulder. "Everything will be okay."

But everything wasn't okay and the longer I stayed on the tour bus, the more I wanted to leave. Austin hadn't spoken two words to me since he had told me to get rid of everything. He ignored me and pretended I wasn't even there. Alan kept insisting he just needed time and he'd come around. But I felt even worse being there. I had done this. I had torn everything apart and ruined it; trampled it and destroyed it. It was my fault. All mine.

Alan kept threatening to call Alex and tell him everything any time I mentioned leaving. But I couldn't deal with it anymore.

When the bus pulled into Detroit, I was ready to go. I had packed up all my stuff and was saying my goodbyes to everyone. Alan took me leaving the hardest, but he promised he wouldn't call Alex and he'd see me when they were back in LA in a few days.

I looked up and attempted to meet Austin's eyes before I got off the bus. But he never looked up, he never said a word to me. He kept reading the fan letters that were piled in front of him from the last show. Feeling tears prick my eyes I turned smiled goodbye to the guys and stepped off the bus. I got in a taxi and bawled my eyes out as I headed for the airport.

That was the moment I knew it was over between Austin and I. If he had just given me a simple glance before I stepped off that tour bus I would have known that we could work through this. But he didn't. And he wouldn't. It was done. And over with. And here I was again. Completely broken and fucked up the best thing that had ever happened to me. Would I even be able to stay in LA now? Or would I have to run like I had from so many other cities and the stories that haunted me in them?