The Moment I Knew

If It Means a Lot to You

Shaking, I sat up from the table and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. I couldn't believe I had let things get this bad. Slowly the tears started to fall as I fell backwards onto my bed staring up from the ceiling. I had been home for almost two weeks from the tour, and I hadn't even lasted 24 hours before I was using again. The phone calls and Skype dates weren't enough. Knowing Austin was miles and miles away and getting ever closer to his Boston tour date was what had my stomach in knots and my thoughts from eating me alive.

I had gotten my hands on a whole bottle of OxyCotin's from a girl I worked with. And now here I was laying in my bed, crying softly, wondering how things had gotten to this point.

"You're too young to live this way,Just close your eyes and seeThe true meaningYou're too young to live this way,Just look around and seeThat life is beauty..."

"Fuck..." I mumbled to myself as the lyrics of The Great Hendowski washed over me from my iHome. Lyrics that Austin had written. Lyrics Austin believed in. I knew what I had to do. Groping around for my phone, I started crying harder as I realized what I was about to do.

Finally feeling the smoothness of it on my fingertips, I grabbed it and stared at the blurry screen trying to find Austin's number.

I could hear my own heart beating faster as I waited for him to pick up, tears leaving little trails on my cheeks.

"Hey, babe!" Austin said into the phone with a laugh.

I suddenly couldn't bring myself to speak at the sound of his voice and chose to burst into angry sobs instead.

"Rae?...what's wrong?" Austin's voice was thick with concern. "H-hang on, okay?"

I sat holding the phone to my ear, my body raking the sobs as he shuffled around. He finally came back; the noise in the background had dissipated. I imagined he had either gotten off the bus or was in the back lounge.

"Baby, what's wrong?" He asked, his voice was soothing. "Raegan, calm down. Tell me what happened?"

"I need to be honest with you, Austin..." I mumbled hating every second of what was about to come out of my mouth.

"Rae, what is it?" He pleaded with me.

"I...I...I need to break up with you..." I said it barely a whisper.

"What?" He laughed. "What are you talking about?"

"Austin, I'm not joking..."

"Rae, what's wrong? What happened?"

"I've been using again...."

I had finally said it. It felt like an eternity while I waited for him to say something.

"Please say something..." I mumbled.

"Why in the world would you need to break up with me?" He finally asked.

"I haven't been honest with you. I'm on fucking drugs, Austin. You don't need to deal with this or with me. You need to focus on your tour."

"Rae, listen to me, we're not breaking up. Okay? We're going to figure this out when I get home."

I almost started to laugh, "When you get home? Austin, that's like six months from now. I could be fucking dead by then."

"What have you been taking?"

"Stop changing the subject Austin, we're done."

"Rae, what are you on?"

"Oxies..." I admitted sighing and feeling the tears welling up again. "Austin please, let me break up with you."

"Rae, if I mean anything to you... if we mean anything to you. You're not going to give up on us. I'm not going to let that happen. I'm not going to lose you again."

Sobbing I dropped the phone, falling down to the ground ready to scream.

"Raegan? Rae? Babe?" I fumbled on the ground for the phone.

"What?" I spat.

"Listen to me, I want you to flush what you have left. Get into bed. And go to sleep. I'm getting a
plane ticket to Daytona."

"Austin, I can't be on tour with you. I have to work."

"Well, I'm not letting you stay home to do drugs in your room alone either!" He laughed. "Just a few days, Rae. We'll figure out what to do."

I sat for a moment, staring at my reflection in the mirror and realizing how pathetic I looked right now. "Okay..." I muttered.

"Go flush those." He demanded.

"I can't."

"Rae, don't give me that bull shit. Go flush them. I want to hear it."

Sighing I stood up, grabbing the little orange bottle off my nightstand and walked into the bathroom, dumping the contents into the toilet. I pushed down on the little silver handle.

"I love you." Austin said as the water went down the pipes.

"I love you too..." I said crawling back towards my bed and getting under the covers.

"Promise you'll call me when you wake up?" He asked. I could hear him typing away on his laptop.

"Yeah," I said feeling my eyes already getting heavy.

"I love you, Raegan. I promise you, I'm going to take care of you. I'm not giving up on you."

And with that, I drifted into a dreamless slumber.