Into The Orchard

VI

I owe you an explanation for my behavior yesterday. I realize that aggression, even physical assault towards one's own father, seems to be a thing to put it mildly... seems to be an unusual thing. However, it is difficult to welcome someone who has left his family without a word of explanation. Although I was aware of his reasons for doing so, my mother never officially told me about them. My father left us, shortly after my fifteenth birthday. He didn't say goodbye, he didn't say good-bye, he was simply gone. My parents had been on bad terms for a long time, but when the fact that I was homosexual came to light, my dad couldn't accept it. Desmont had always been a hard worker, often taking overtime at work and often being away from home. However, when I told my parents who I was, my dad started disappearing from the house for days on end. It seemed to me that he never left his office and was completely consumed by his work. At night, I heard Catleyn and Desmont arguing repeatedly. I heard that my father wanted to send me to therapy, but my mother was adamantly against it. Dad really didn't want his only child to be homosexual. He stopped talking to me and avoided me outright. He treated me like a tenant in his apartment, rather than his own son. However, when I returned to the apartment later, my father could not refrain from making comments like "did I hang out with other perverts". During Christmas Eve, before my fifteenth birthday, he stated in front of the whole family that he would "not have a queer in the family". He then got up from the table and returned a week later. He seemed to have developed a relationship with some woman at the time, I think he was even living right there with her. One day he just packed up, left and didn't come back. I felt guilty about the situation. More than once I thought that maybe it would be better for everyone if I pretended to be heterosexual. The guilt, I think even continues to gnaw at me, even though I buried the subject of my father deep, deep below the surface of the earth. I thought I would never see him again. I thought that a man who rejected his own family for another, denied his own child, would never appear in my life again. Meanwhile, I met him in a place where I would never have expected him to be in my life. How did this happen? I asked my mom about it.

Catleyn revealed that the remark quotes "she felt unfair to the father of her child. She had left with her son practically to the other side of the world, she was going to get married, and Desmont didn't know anything. He didn't know where his family was, what was happening to them, or even if they were alive. Then she sent him one text message in which she revealed her plans for the near future. Of course, Catleyn did not expect Desmont to reply to that message. He hadn't given signs of life himself long enough. It was hardly surprising to her that when my father stood at the door of the Von Rostov house with the news that he had "realized he had made a terrible mistake and wants his son back because he loves him the most of all beings on earth," Catleyn went into a fit of fury and rage. I felt exactly the same as my mother. Desmont had abandoned us.

Surprisingly badly, my mom's ex-husband's visit was handled by Gregory. The man never once raised his voice. I think he was just as shocked as Catleyn. Perhaps the homeowner even resented his fiancée for revealing to her ex-husband the fact of where she now lived. Perhaps Gregory did not wish to have his...let's call it, his competitor spending time in his home. As far as I was concerned, competition was none. I preferred Gregory for a stepfather a thousand times more than Desmont for my father. Male pride, however, was beyond me on more than one occasion. You ask yourself, why wasn't Desmont thrown out the door right away? It was the work of none other than, of course, that old hag Apolonia.

"Whatever the father may be, he has the right to know what is going on with his child. He has the right to try, to rebuild his relationship with his only son." - So said the older woman. I have to admit, Apolonia got on my nerves a lot with that one. It's one thing to manage your family, but to step into my life with your shoes on? That's going too far. Luna said the same thing about my thoughts. She said that the man himself had given up all rights of paternity by abandoning his wife and son. For the first time I saw fire in Luna's eyes. Aurelia's mother was downright furious with Apolonia's decree. She said that if the father was a rotter, it was better for the child that this rotter should not be in his life. Apolonia seemed extremely upset after these words. However, it was decided as the older woman said. I wondered if Apolonia had purposely wanted to make me emotionally unstable for the better results of our dance training. I had long known that the old woman was obsessed with dance perfection. I wouldn't be surprised if she wanted to use the fact of my father's visit to stir up in me long-dormant layers of grief, anger and hatred. Of course, the night training took place. I did not even exchange a word with Apolonia. She did not say anything either. She didn't even criticize me or beat on parts of my body. When she finished playing the piano, I simply walked out of the ballet room, leaving the woman alone in the semi-darkness.