Without Him [Victuuri Fanfic]

Chapter 4

"Yuri..."

The broken eyes closely examined my face where a warm hand cupped my cheek, collecting my tears. The broken eyes shattered as they became overwhelmed with emotion. "Yuri."

Victor pulled me off of the couch so that I was straddling his lap, and held me closer and tighter than he ever had before. His slender fingers became tangled in my hair as I wrapped my arms around his neck, weeping uncontrollably.

"I'm so sorry," he sobbed into my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Yuri."

I couldn't reply, my words were choked back by tears. What would I say, anyway? In reply to his apology, I hugged him just a little tighter so he knew I heard him. I wasn't mad at him, but how could I tell him that?

"Yuri," he said, his face still buried into my shoulder. "I have so much to tell you."

I tried to muster the strength to respond with words, but I failed. I couldn't stop the sobbing that shook my entire body. Although it was the last thing I wanted to do, I loosened my hold on Victor. In response, he did the same, although hesitantly. My hands found their places on the back of his neck and the other on his cheek, where I wiped away the tears that fell from his eyes. I got a good look at his face for the first time in a month.

It wasn't the same.

He had developed significant bags under his eyes, and his cheeks were no longer plump, as if he'd lost weight. The color had faded from his face, save for the chronic redness around his eyes.

"Victor..." I managed, continuing to examine his face incredulously. "What happened to you?" I fought the sob that threatened to catch in my throat.

My thumb caught another tear as Victor stared into my eyes, hesitant to answer my question. He looked down at the wooden floorboards beneath us before wrapping his hand around mine, removing it from his sunken cheek. He kept a firm grip on my hand as he spoke, still fixated on the floor.

"I don't know how to tell you, Yuri."

He was beginning to make me nervous. "It's okay," I smoothed out my voice as much as I could manage. "Take your time."

He still refused to look up at me. I pulled his forehead to my chest, slowly raking my fingers through his platinum locks. I heard the occasional hitch in his breath as he attempted to regain his composure. He fidgeted with the golden ring on my finger as he calmed himself, and I took a moment to admire the matching one that remained on his. Perhaps that was the one thing about him that didn't change; the ring hadn't moved an inch.

Usually that would've made me smile, but I couldn't bring myself to.

"Okay," he mumbled, lifting his head from my chest. He finally looked up at me, but his eyes hadn't changed from before. "I wasn't completely honest with you about my visit to Russia," he said, and his face twisted with guilt. "I went to visit my mom in the hospital, it wasn't as casual as I promised."

This took me by surprise. I couldn't remember a single time he had ever mentioned his parents to me.

"My mom... she's been sick for a long time. Ever since I was a teenager, she would go in and out of the hospital. She would usually be there for a few days and then return home. My dad called me after the Grand Prix and said she was back in the hospital, so I left to visit her..."

He paused, as if he was scared of what came next.

"That's why I told you a week, I thought it would be enough..." his voice began to crack. "But she didn't get to go home this time."

I heard a gasp escape my lips. No, he didn't mean...

Victor solemnly nodded as if he were reading my thoughts. "She passed away 12 hours after I arrived..."

I didn't know how long I sat there on the floor, holding Victor. I wasn't counting, and honestly I didn't care. I didn't care about anything other than Victor. He needed me, so I was going to be there for him.

However, his head began to grow heavy on my chest as if he were falling asleep.

"Victor," I murmured, pulling away from him a little bit. He didn't lift his head from my chest, his only response was hugging my waist tighter. "Victor, when was the last time you slept a full night?"

I knew I didn't need an answer from him, it was written all over his face. I rubbed his shoulder gently to get his attention, and he shifted a bit. "Victor, come on, let's go to bed." After a bit of protest, he let me get up off of him, and my stiff legs cracked as I stood. I helped him stand as well, and he groggily followed me up to my room. Makkachin trailed closely behind us.

"Where do you want to sleep?" I asked him, stopping outside my door. He made eye contact with me. "You wanna stay with me?" I inferred. He nodded slowly before grabbing my hand. I squeezed his hand as I opened the door and led us both inside.

Victor plopped down onto my pillows as I crawled into the sheets, and Makkachin stretched out across the end of the bed. My blankets were so warm and cozy, even Victor cuddled into them greedily. But as time went by, he just laid there, staring at the mattress. He looked so exhausted, how had he not collapsed already?

"Victor..." I whispered. His focus shifted to me. "You need to sleep," I continued, pushing a few strands of hair out of his face. Again, he didn't reply. Instead he grabbed my hand and pressed a soft kiss to the golden ring on my finger, his eyes fixating on the mattress once again.

Was it that he didn't want to sleep, or that he couldn't? I knew that there was one thing that always helped Victor sleep, and he seemed to be asking for it.

While praying that my assumption was correct, I pulled Victor closer to my body, and he immediately reciprocated the gesture. His head found a comfortable place in the crook of my neck, and his arms wrapped around my body tightly. I began to lightly stroke his hair — it always calmed him down.

"I just... I miss her, Yuri," he mumbled, making my heart shatter. There was nothing I could do for him, I couldn't bring his mother back to life. The only thing I could do was hold him just a little tighter, and promise him that everything would be okay.

"I know, Victor. I know you do," I replied, trying to keep my voice steady. "But she'll always be with you, you know that? She loves you too much, you're not alone."

I felt Victor's fingers grip my waist just a little tighter as I spoke. He leaned into my neck, and a shaky sigh told me that my words had gotten to him. He continued to pace his breathing, and eventually it fell into a steady rhythm.

"Victor?" I murmured. His breathing stayed perfectly calm, and there was no reply. He had finally fallen asleep.