into a moment in time

fifth chapter

Augustine Jareau POV

Last Year (June 2009)

It's Saturday, and it's time to take the test.

My driving test.

They're a crazy thing to me, these driving tests. I find it strange how if you somehow pass, you'll own a piece of identification that shows you're capable of just driving this large moving vehicle that transports you places. What's even crazier is that you can die any second while you're doing it. Whether it's taking your little brother to soccer practice, or rushing to your daughter's piano recital. Or maybe you're driving your pregnant wife who's in labour to the hospital. Either way, one careless move, one wrong turn, one second too late or too early, can end in such tragedy.

And what scares me most is that you might not even be the one at fault. You're just eager to get where you need to be, or you're driving calmly through the street you drive through every day. But some other person, who somehow magically passed said test, is now driving while intoxicated. A careless, stupid, and irresponsible decision they made which can only end badly.

My father never drove while he was drunk, but I always fear that while I'm on the road, I'll run into someone exactly like him, who just happened to do the one thing I'm thankful he avoided.

It's not death that's my biggest fear. I could die any day now and to be honest, I wouldn't care for myself one bit. But what I do care about is my mother and Bowie and Fallon. My mother certainly can't handle another loss. She's barely been able to get over my father's departure and he's not even dead - unfortunately. My brother already drowns himself in homework and basketball enough, just because he doesn't have any relationship with our father. I can't imagine the self-destructive methods he'd resort to if I were to leave him too, for good. And Fallon, my one and only, true best friend. I love her to the moon and to saturn. We met when we were seven years old, in second grade. I can't imagine my life without her and she can't imagine her life without me. I don't think I'd be able to live with myself, at least in the afterlife, if I were to ever leave her so abruptly.

Not even mentioning the funeral costs and the cost of the maintenance of the car if someone were to crash into it. My mother can't pay for the bills, and Bowie doesn't have a job.

Do i consider suicide a selfish act? Of course not. Hearing all the bullshit phrases like, "imagine how your mom would feel" or "do you even care about your family? Don't think of such selfish things" drives me fucking mad. Blaming a victim - a sufferer, and prisoner to mental illness- for suicide is a horrible fucking thing to do.

If someone I knew or loved committed, thank god - or whatever higher power in existence - they haven't. But if they did, anger would exist in me, yes. A feeling of regret - that i didn't catch the signs earlier?- of course. The gut wrenching, soul crushing weight of heaviness and sadness on my chest because they no longer walk the earth? Abso-fucking-lutley. But would I consider them a selfish person for wanting to end the misery that they considered their lives? Never.

The fear of driving, and the fear of drivers stays prominent in my brain, which leads to a spiral of anxious thoughts. I now am second guessing myself, great.

You know what? No. I'm either not gonna take the test, or i'm gonna be the most careful driver in the entire fucking world.

I'll just have to wait and see.

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I'm sitting alone in what I suppose is the waiting room for the DMV. I'm not sure, I've never been here before. My left foot is tapping anxiously on the pale, squeaky, dirt covered floor. It's quite filthy in here, reeking of sweat and cheap cologne. Not to mention the smell of burnt hair - probably damaged from years of too much exposure to hair dryers or straighteners-, along with cheap hairspray which is probably from the clearance section of the dollar store.