into a moment in time

eighth chapter

Betty Atlas POV

Last Year

Trigger Warning : Mention of Rape.

Prom night.

It's actually prom night. I've been waiting for this day for as long as I can remember. I was 12 years old watching my older cousins get ready for their proms and graduation, doing their hair and makeup and looking like absolute dolls. I couldn't wait for it to be my turn.

Ever since James and I were official when I was a freshman, I'd been hoping and dreaming of the day he'd take me to prom. I started planning out my dress and his tie, how we'd be matching, at 15 years old, changing my decision constantly. Now it's my turn. But, at the worst possible time.

My dad got worse. A lot worse.

Bowie's mom did as much as she could but it turns out, it's pretty illegal to try to move someone up the transplant list for no reason.

He was staying at home for a while but he's on a ventilator now, in the hospital, unable to breathe on his own. Not unconscious but still not a functioning human in society.

I had gotten ready for prom hours ahead of time, to go see him. He always wanted to see me beforehand, as I walked down the steps at home, hair and makeup done, all dressed up. But we don't have that luxury right now. I visited him in the hospital. He saw what he could, and I left before I could sob my makeup off.

I had dreamed of seeing James at the bottom of my staircase, holding flowers, waiting for me to walk down in my dress. I wanted to see his eyes twinkle and light up as he saw my hair and makeup. I wanted to look like a princess and I wanted him to be my prince.

But as it turns out, my childhood fantasies were meant to stay fantasies. Clearly the universe didn't want it to happen, so it's not going to. I deal with what I'm given. And what I'm given is enough. I try to remind myself every single day. 

James told me he'd meet me at school - where prom was taking place. As usual, Evermore High, doing anything they can to save money, using their gym as a prom venue.

The car ride is silent. I can't believe my ride to prom is my mom, all puffy face and sad from crying over my father. A silent car. No radio. Nothing. Just the quiet sounds of our breathing and the car engine running. Maybe a few sniffles here and there from the driver's seat (mom). I feel an ache in my chest, a dropping feeling in my stomach. A feeling of...sadness? Inez is probably in a limo right now, Bowie too.

No, I think that feeling is jealousy.

I wonder who Bowie's with.

He's with Tiffany. 

Bowie.

He's been so sweet to me these past few weeks, I honestly don't deserve any of it. He's driven me home almost everyday after school. James hasn't brought it up, or offered. It hurt, a lot actually. I love James so much, it pains me to see and feel us drifting so far apart. It pains me even more knowing that these times I've spent with Bowie have intensified my feelings for him. It makes me feel so guilty because I know how loyal James is, and has been to me for so long.

He doesn't know about my father, and I don't intend on telling him until he gets better. I don't plan on telling anyone until he's better.

I never cheated on James. Yes I have started to develop feelings for Bowie, and I can tell that he's reciprocating those feelings, but I love James. More than I'll ever love any other man. I love him, and only him. No amount of romantic gestures and swooping in to save me will make my feelings for Bowie stronger than my feelings for James.