Back to Barnes // the winter soldier

23: stop

Days went by with strict routines of purple IV's, interrogation, exhaustion, sleeplessness and screaming from both parties.

I was left in that same chair, under restraints, in the same silent room, without the ability to walk or move more than three inches. The IV's caused horrible pain throughout my head and core and I screamed until my throat ached and they did nothing but yell and beat me.

Not knowing what time it was or of what day we were in messed with me mentally, but the countless hours without human interaction each day was even worse. For long periods of time the room was silent and the lights were off and whatever coursing through my system caused me to be exhausted and restless as the same time, making me unable to recover or recharge.

Every day, the same two guards came to check on me for maybe twenty minutes at a time. I started to memorize their shoulder-width and stance and how they slouched. I knew it would be important if someone new showed up.

And it was one of the very few things keeping me from giving in to the foggy state of my mind. After a while, I wasn't reacting to anything, because I didn't care anymore. I wanted to die and plead for them just to shoot me. I knew nothing would get better and I knew I couldn't save Bucky anymore, so I had failed, and I didn't want to live with that - with myself - anymore. So I gave up. The pain ate away at me and the sensory deprivation made me feel insane but I sat motionless, only jerking forward when whatever they put in me made me throw up. I could feel parts of me shutting down and giving up - my emotions lacking, my appetite fading, my desire to control the twitching dying out. But even through all of it, the unbounded fear didn't go away.

After that outstretched length of time in quiet darkness, the bright lights flickered on and the two guards walked in. As they undid the latches on my abdomen, wrists, and ankles, a bubble of anxiety formed in me. They haven't let me out since the first day I was here.

They picked me up under the arms, cuffed my hands in front of me, blindfolded me and guided me to another room. From there, a different IV is stuck in my wrist, the blindfold is removed (I'm promptly blinded by the light) and they left. I looked down at the IV and see the bag of thick black sludge is tied to my forearm - and I didn't feel it.

I took that moment to look around and knew immediately what they're doing. The white walls and mark-less white floors and complete and utter silence was meant to drive me mad. Sensory deprivation.

Feeling lightheaded for standing for over a minute, I sat down, closed my eyes and leaned back against the wall.

After a few seconds, something didn't feel right. My thoughts were jumbled and I couldn't comprehend what began to happen. My heart rate sped up to be louder and faster than it's ever been, I sweat like I was in a desert midday. My whole body shook. I was terrified.

I couldn't identify what I was scared of and I started to cry. I was silent, scared of . . . whatever I was scared of.

But I could feel it. Whatever it was was horrible and evil and beastly and repulsive and brutal and eerie and I still couldn't figure out what.

And when I tried to stand up to bang on the door and beg for them to let me out, I realized I couldn't. My muscles ached like I'd spent hours running and lifting a few hundred pounds all the while. I was aching and I was horrified and I was sobbing and screaming and I still didn't know why.

Moments later I'm shocked by a loud gunshot. I look around and see nothing. There was nothing there. I grew even more anxious and scared. Another crack of a gunshot. Someone or something screams. Thunder claps. There's faceless noises coming from all around me, there wasn't a moment of silence. I rolled into a ball, my arms over my ears, trying to drown out the noises with my own tear-filled mumbling. I was shaking and hyperventilating, my body jumping at every noise. It was exhausting.