Back to Barnes // the winter soldier

8: relearn

     I slept in too late, tried to run out the door only to realize I forgot my shoes (and bra), bumped into Hill, talked about the new SHIELD base and the "new enemy" for over two hours, missed breakfast and forgot the captive entirely until about five in the evening.

When I did get in there, he was cracking his neck and huffing between clicks.

"What in the world are you doing?" I asked, catching his attention. He turned around and looked at me with his right ear to his shoulder.

"My neck hurts. I keep using my arm as a pillow but it doesn't really work." He sighed, lifting his head. "You'd think I'd be used to it by now, with those German bastards 'n' that shit." He cleared his throat. "Sorry, ma'am, didn't mean to cuss."

I laughed under my breath, entering the cell and gestured for him to sit down. He sat on the floor and I sat behind him. The second my thumbs dug into his neck, he hissed.

"Don't do that!" He whined, his shoulders pulling up against his ears.

"Do you want it to hurt all day or just for a few minutes?" I quizzed impatiently, my hands frozen.

He breathed out and relaxed, allowing me to continue. He was incredibly tense, but that made sense.  All the while, it was pissing me off. He's no villain now, he doesn't deserve prison. We didn't even have a plan for his release. No one cared, they just wanted him away from the public, and Zola, and Hydra, and Gehenna. If he had to stay there, he deserved to be comfortable. If only they'd let him talk. He knew what he did was wrong even though he couldn't remember most of it. I just wished SHIELD would listen.

"You- you said something a month or so ago, I don't know." He spoke up.

I smiled, amused by the way he talked. "And?"

"That I was a threat ... A weapon ... Am I?"

"You were back then. You're not a brainwashed assassin anymore, are you?" I replied, massaging his shoulder blades as he slouched forward.

He nodded. "I am. I mean, not brainwashed- ... "

"What?"

"I don't have a past."

"Of course you d-"

"No, Agent Brookes." He cut me off. "I don't remember. I'm still brainwashed and I'm still an assassin. I'm just not acting on it."

I fell silent.

"How many times must I convince you of what a good person you are," I replied. "Not this soldier-man, not the assassin, not the 'villain', not whatever monster you've created in your mind. You, Winter, are a decent person. I see that. People are too cowardly to see you for anything else but awful, but I was forced to be with you, and I know different."

This time, he didn't reply.

We stayed quiet for quite a while.

He breathlessly and bitterly laughed. "I may not be a monster but I'm a robot."

"How so?" I had taken to laying on my back and staring at the ceiling. He had turned around and was looking at me with his legs stretched out in front of him.

"I don't feel happy, Agent Brookes. Or sad, or mad, or hurt, or confused, or anything else. I know that I should. I know that people feel things, and I'm good at pretending I do but I don't. My default is flat. I'm flat. I want to be like you. You laugh and scream and show joy and are so set on just knocking me out sometimes, I can feel it. You have emotions." He elaborated.

I reached a hand out from beneath my head to hold his right hand. "You can relearn that. People, including your idea of a normal person, which doesn't exist, deal with that too. Obviously not for the same reasons ... but they do. And we learn to smile again. And to love and laugh and get angry and cry."

"We?"

I nodded.

We both went quiet again. I fiddled with his hand, staring at the ceiling. He stayed still, eyes staring at the bench in front of him.

I stood up and walked out the cell doors.

The captive stood up. "Where are you going?"

"To see my director." I breathed out, walking out before he formulated a response. To my luck, he was in the hall only a few yards down.

"Agent Br-"

"He's ready. As long as he can shower and sleep in a real bed, the captive can have limited interaction with Captain Rogers. I want him out of that cell." I demanded, making my voice stern.

He nodded once. "Okay. Only during the nights."

I pursed my lips. "That's not fair."

"You can't keep an eye on him all day, so that's what stands. It's that or nothing."

"Fine." I breathed. I could work with this.