Back to Barnes // the winter soldier

14: next to me

     Almost a week had passed since that stunt with Bucky. After which I was yelled at by Steve (he was worried I was forcing something on Bucky like he tried to convince Fury I wasn't) and a "stern talking-to" by Fury (he realized it was exactly that, a stunt, but told me I "needed to get myself together") and a hushed talk with Hill. She informed me that the cameras were messing up in the first place and they would be taking them down eventually so I needn't worry. I didn't worry, though. I could've spent years messing with them and never get bored.

But that week felt like hundreds. To me, it seemed like Hydra was prolonging this waiting on purpose. It was like they knew how antsy I was and they were playing with it. Hill told me that they'd had little contact and had no progress in tracking them, but she would inform me the minute of. Even then, I couldn't help but to sit on the edge of the bed at night and watch the door anxiously. Were they even coming? Did someone at SHIELD mess up and misread things? Was I being anxious for nothing?

When the time neared nine in the evening, I was talking nothings with Bucky through the bathroom door as I got ready for bed. He was in sweatpants and a sweatshirt I stole from Banner and sitting in bed thumbing through a historical nonfiction that took place about the time he was in the military. He had dug through my bookshelf in search of the water bottle he'd shoved in there earlier and somehow found it. I didn't ask questions, but I was hesitant. Either way, he began reading and couldn't put it down all day.

I walked out brushing my teeth and tossed him my phone. "Does that look familiar?" I asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. I mean, it came out 'duff vat wook famier' but he understood. Bucky put the book down and picked up the phone, scanning the picture. He squinted at the navy jacket on the screen.

He nodded. "Yeah," He answered casually. "from when I was in the army."

I smiled. "You didn't know that two weeks ago." He flashed me a curt smile before returning his book. I studied him for a moment. I was simply testing his memory, which he was usually fine with. I wondered what was bugging him that he didn't interact as much.

After finishing my nightly routine and shutting off the lights, I took my place at the end of the bed. With this position came the thoughts of why exactly I did it. It was enough to send an irrational panic attack through my body but, if there was anything I've learned all those years, it's that you didn't show weakness.

I watched Bucky, teeth playing with a drawstring, one hand messing with his partially wet hair, and the other on the book. He was one or so pages from the end. I started chewing my lower lip. He hadn't said a word the whole time. I assumed he was at the part that talked about the Nazi concentration camps. Steve had told me that that was a big motivator for them, and I wondered if reading the book was jogging anything for him.

About ten minutes passed and I was trained on the door. I didn't even notice that he had ended the book minutes ago. He cleared his throat, and I turned to face him. "Could you sleep in the bed with me for tonight?" There was a blush on his cheeks and down to his adams apple, which I had to hide a smile over. An all-body blusher, how sweet.

My eyebrows knit together in worry. "Why?"

"Well," He sat up a little straighter. "You always sleep on the floor. You deserve better than that."

I glanced above the door, thankful the cameras were taken down hours ago. I looked back at an expectant Bucky and nodded. "Okay."

He had to hide a smile as he moved to his left. I crawled up next to him but a foot or so apart and laid down, flat on my back. I had to admit, I missed the mattress. And after a swift goodnight to and from the two of us, I was out.

____

     I was awoken a few hours later by pressure on my left wrist. I paid no attention to it until I heard the panting. My eyes shot open at the tightening of the grip against my already fragile wrist. As my own panic set in, I glanced over at Bucky and the panic only grew. The sweat on his face was unnatural, along with the redness. The grip tightened as his head reeled back and his jaw clenched. I began whimpering as I tried to pry his flesh hand off of my arm, but it was useless.

"Bucky," My voice, though wavering, warned. "Bucky, stop." I sat up on my knees as I continued peeling his fingers off. His panting grew to pained grunting and I grew worried. "Bucky, wake up!" I almost yelled, kneeing him in the side. The sweat from his forehead dripped down to his pillow as he almost convulsed. I knew he had nightmares but I hadn't taken care of him through one like this. I had no idea what to do ... except for what I knew best: fight. My right knee swung onto his chest and my free hand gripped his throat, causing his grunting to turn to sputtering. Had I not been in immense pain and fear, I would've felt bad, but I was. "Bucky!" I yelled, my voice echoing through the room.

In an instant, his eyes shot open and his breathing slowed. I removed my hand and knee and watched him survey his surroundings. After a moment or so, I spoke up.

"What happened?"

"What did I do? I'm so sorry." His voice was hushed, going against how I was sure he felt. He sat up, silent for a moment, eyes growing watery. "It was just like being out there with Steve and my buddies but this time ... " He looked up at me, shaky hands taking mine within them. "you were there, fighting with me, but I-I lost you and I couldn't ... I couldn't save you from them, from Hydra."

After a moment of stillness, he dropped his hands and cleared his throat. He shook his head. I pursed my lips and stood up, retrieving his fifth cold washcloth of the week. In silence, we re-positioned ourselves in bed, but maybe an inch or so closer. And once a solid ten minutes passed, I shifted over to place my hand on his cheek and reassure him that it was okay, that I was right here. He placed his hand over mine but his sleepiness got the best of him, and his eyelids fell before he could reply.

____

     Light flooded through the windows and lit the room with an amazing gold, something I adored waking up to. My eyes opened and I stared at the ceiling for a while before I realized that while I was back to being a foot away from Bucky, our hands interlocked. I laid on my back while he had curled into the fetal position and the arm he used as a pillow was the one that held my hand. He looked at peace.

But much to my dismay, his eyes fluttered open and I was greeted by a sudden smile. "What a pretty thing to wake up to, aren't you?"

I smiled slightly, enveloping my other hand around his and turning on my side. "Good morning to you, too. You talk like an old man." I paused before adding. "Would you like to talk about what happened last night?"

He looked a bit to right, eyes downcast, slow exhale from his lips. He shook his head.

I pumped his hand and inhaled.

Later on, we ended up staying in bed, in our pajamas, a rotation of beer and cheek kisses against our lips as we watched movies on my tablet. While I was in bliss and feeling quite content, I also absolutely wasn't. The knot in my chest was present still. I needed a plan. As each minute laced on, I was closer to battle.

With a shake of my head and a swig of my drink, I was focusing on the movie again. As my thoughts trailed on, I thought about what it would be like to have Bucky's arm. I bet it was stupid heavy but stunningly useful. If I could, I would so ask to wear it. I wondered what I would look like as The Winter Soldier, if I took his place. I wondered if I could handle it.

I then realized my only way to protect him.