Stuck in "Wonderland" - Tower of God Oc fanfic

Three reasons

There were exactly three reasons Baam hadn't offed himself yet.

The reasons were as follows:

Firstly, If he died, his friends died with him...or so FUG had told him...repeatedly.

Secondly, Sunna's killer - no, murderer - was still out there, alive and well...a problem he'd have to remedy...sooner rather than later.

And thirdly...Sunna's final words to him...a plea for him to fix this cursed tower.

'Fix the tower. If anyone can do it, it's you, Baam.'

...you, Baam.

The mere thought of Sunna's voice speaking his name sent a chill up his spine. A chill that went unnoticed by all but himself.

...

Baam liked to think that the main forces driving him were some of the more honorable ones. That is, the desire to keep his precious friends safe, and perhaps even more so, the desire to honor the last wishes of a loved one - his loved one.

And indeed, that is exactly what Baam thought to himself as he lay awake at night, tossing and turning, unable to sleep as usual.

'I'd never forgive myself for letting Khun and the others die.'

'It's my fault.'

'I have to keep them safe.'

'It's my fault.'

'I can't let my incompetence be the death of them.'

'It's my fault.'

'Never again will I-'

'She's dead, and it's my fault.'

...

But you see, while he did indeed care about his friends, Baam was no saint.

...

'I'll never forgive him.'

'It's his fault.'

'Ren, Zahard, The Lo Po Bia Family...I'll never forgive them.'

'It's their fault.'

'People like that, wicked people, are better off dead.'

'It's their fault.'

'I'll ki-punish them, all of them, every single person responsible for Sunna's murder.'

'She's dead, and it's their fault.'

...

Baam hadn't thought it possible to feel such intense hatred at others and yet, at the same time, be so full of self-loathing.

'She's dead, and it's everyone's fault...This cursed tower...'

...Apparently, he'd thought wrong.

'Fix the tower. If anyone can do it, it's you, Baam.'

...Yes, Baam would fulfill Sunna's wish, starting by punishing everyone responsible for her death...The tower would be better off without them anyway.

And thus Baam trained, honing and mastering his skills, strengthening his body.

Day after day, from morning till night, his poker face hardly ever faltering - Although, somehow, much to Baam's annoyance, Hansung always managed to get a rise out of him; always knew which buttons to push...

'It's not enough.'

*Slash* Baam liked to imagine 'his' face on the target.

'...but it will be.'

Baam had changed, no longer was he the same peaceful person he was back then.

'What would Khun think?'

...

The nights, however, were another matter entirely.

While Baam would focus all his energy on training during the day, he would toss and turn during the night, all kinds of thoughts - some of them more disturbing than others - keeping him awake.

'Why did I let her push me?'

'I miss her.'

'...Why did she push me? Was she trying to protect me or was she-'

'I want to hear her voice.'

'Did she think I wasn't strong enough to protect the both of us?...Is that why she left me?'

'I want to touch her, embrace her.'

'...I didn't even get to tell her I love her...not properly.'

'I want her back.'

'...I will get her back...when I reach the top of the Tower.'

...

Baam didn't sleep much most nights.

'Useless-'

Baam didn't feel very stable most of the time.

...

'...I need to feel that connection again.'

'I want her to touch me, embrace me.'

'...Everything just seems so dull, so gray, without her.'

'I don't want to feel numb anymore.'

...

'I'd rather die than feel this way.'

__________________________________________

...Well, it was high time Baam made an appearance, albeit a depressing one.