Royally Flawsome ♛

24 ♛

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Miss Tatu, the woman who was always there for me at my bedside eight years ago when I was hopeless, when I thought it was the end for me. The woman who always believed I was strong enough to fight it. Now it was her turn and instead of being the first person to know about it, or the first person to be by her bedside I was here being a coward bawling my eyes out as if that would have changed anything. I wish she told me earlier, I wish she didn't hide it from me and went away without a goodbye. This was her goodbye and my parent weren't at fault because I knew her well, she must have told them to only tell me once she was gone because like me she loved being perceived as only strong.

I wish that wasn't the case right now. I wanted to be there for her, I wanted to hold her hand and comb her hair like she did with mine. I wanted to be her rock like how she was mine. She was strong and I knew she'd beat cancer but I needed to be close to her. 

I switch on my phone and smile at the deadpool wallpaper, if I held it long enough a live picture of me, mom, dad, Sam and miss Tatu laughing at Sam farting mid-selfie would play but for some reason I didn't want to relieve it by pressing down instead I go to google and type in, 'plane tickets to New Zealand from England.' The price that pops up is the two month salary as an intern to this hospital that promised to employ me once I was done with University, which was two weeks away.

I lay on the bed and look at the price over and over as if the money would to magically appear on my bed. Two months wasn't so far away but two months with cancer was an eternity and I wasn't going to be there during that eternity. What if I was too late? I push away the thought because it wasn't going to be too late because she was going to kick cancer in the but.

I decide to FaceTime her but I quickly end the call when I remember New Zealand is 12 hours ahead of GMT and considering it was early noon right now, that'd mean it was past midnight in New Zealand and I'd in fact be disturbing her. I decide to put an alarm at 3:00am so that I can wake up and call her when her time zone was favourable and I found myself anticipating for it to reach as soon as possible.

If I wasn't so persistent to move out I would have been going to her house every afternoon to snack with her but I was in such a hurry to have my own apartment I neglected both my parents and Miss Tatu for the longest time. If I were here I'd have known of everything earlier and I'd have started saving money for a ticket to New Zealand earlier on instead of waiting for two months to get the money.

Why was I in such a hurry?
Because I never expected to lose any of them. I thought it wasn't necessary to always call and to always go visit because they were always there anyways. What was the point of going to visit when they were always home waiting for me? So I'd delay calling and I'd delay visiting because they were always there. That didn't turn out to be the case because life likes to make jokes on us and right now it basically mocking me, 'They'll always be there anyways huh? I don't have to go visit today, they'll be there tomorrow huh?"

Anything can happen, it is important to cherish everyone in our lives everyday of our lives no matter how exhausting it may be because life will take a toll and in the blink of an eye they'll be gone. Here I was regretting that I didn't cherish the people who have always been there for me enough. Here I was a wreck  with regrets and I wish I could turn back time and push back the thought of moving out until I was done with University. Maybe then I would have been here for her, maybe then I would have cherished her more, maybe then I wouldn't have neglected her and my parents.

I thought I've seen them enough, I mean I saw them everyday of my life! Morning and afternoon and that it was time to live my life without them but yet right now I felt like I hadn't seen Miss Tatu enough.

I close my eyes and silence the regretting voice in my head.

.

"So how do you feel?" I slam the book on my lap and glare at her. The perfect Maori woman with the biggest heart and the prettiest smile. I envied her, not just her but everyone around me who wasn't like me. Everyone else who was complete. I wasn't, I was a mutant.

"What do you want me to say? That I feel good? That I feel better Miss Tatu? What the fuc-fudge do you want me to say?" I was rude to her and she didn't deserve it but what did she honestly want me to say? I felt nothing just nothing. No anticipation for my future, no love, no pain, nothing. I was an empty casket.

"Im tired of this Hales, stop it. Im going to be direct with you. It has already happened so move the fuck on," I stare at her, that was brutal but it made me smile because there was hope of them looking at me like I was normal again, no sympathetic eyes and no extra treatment because of what happened.

"Thanks Miss Tatu," she furrows her eyebrows and shrugs whilst taking my hand in mine.

"Im like so tired of showing you  kindness anyways, the mean bitch in me wants to take over," I laugh and hold her hand tighter. I loved her with all my heart and soul and I adored her, she was a third parent to me and she knew just how much she meant to me.

My parents walk into the room and the sad eyes that they had during this whole period where finally replaced with happy eyes which made me feel some sort of relief. It was there happiness that mattered to me more than the dreams that could never be.

"Don't ask me if Im okay, Im fine, let's pretend like none of this happened and Im just a normal girl," they optimistically nod like they were also tired of  being extra kind, just for me to shove their kindness down their throats.

"You are a normal child you weirdo."

"Weirdo isn't normal ma," I chuckle at her bad attempt and outstretch my hands for a hug which they gladly fall into.

Broken dreams, broken girl amidst people who were complete.

.

I open the bedroom door and both mom and dad turn to look at me with sad eyes that Ive caused once more. I didn't like inflicting pain on them when all they've ever done is go out of their ways to make me happy.

"Can I get a hug?" They look at each other briefly and then back at me with one of their biggest smiles which temporarily made me forget of how much of a wreck I was. On one hand I had the whole Maximus denial and on another I was a regretful wreck over Miss Tatu's situation and on another mystical hand I was thinking of money and how to save just enough to go to New Zealand and back. My whole mind was in jumbles and I couldn't start piecing anything because the puzzles were too small and too many so I just left them in a mess that made my head ache.

I was in their arms, my moms perfect scent and my dads firm grip that kind of hurt but somehow comforted me. I forgot everything when I was in their arms and it was like all the pieces that were making my head ache just suddenly disappeared and I just wanted to be there until everything pieced itself and everything was fine again. But this dimension was also temporary like all other dimensions I went to to seek comfort and to forget about my problems. I would just come right back here to this imperfect world.

I wish I could make these dimensions last forever.

....