The Night Rider

Chapter 60

My eyes are wide open, not knowing what to reply to this. Do I love him? What is loving? Have I ever loved anyone? Dozens of questions go through my head like a tornado. Frankly, I hate those words, purely because the meaning is different for everyone. It's a pre-written phrase that you're almost obligated to say to a person you spend a lot of time with. Noa's thought behind this sentence is completely unclear to me.

My head goes from loving, to having a relationship. Around me, I have enough examples to prove that a relationship only carries difficulties. When I look at Chea and Elien, they have an unplanned son together and are not officially together. My mom and dad is a story apart, my dad has an eye for Celeste rather than my mom. Celeste last had a forced marriage, loves a married man and seems to have lost faith in love.

My first reaction is to place my hands against Noa's shoulders and push him away from me. I still can't place if I love him too, at least I love the feeling he delivers in my body. The small moments of peace make me want to stay with him. Am I in love with him? I don't think so. Only then does it occur to me how bizarre this situation is. Does Noa realize that he has declared love to a dying and cursed pile of nothing?

'Are you out of your mind?', leaves my mouth slowly. Noa seems surprised at my unexpected reaction, it's clearly not the one he had hoped for. I avert my gaze, somewhat afraid to look into his eyes. The deeper I think about his words, the more it is clear to me that loving is not even in my vocabulary. Yin not only has my body in his grasp, he reaches down to the inside of my body.

'What do you mean?'. Noa's words are soft, almost fragile. Somehow I feel for him, somewhere far away. I pull the covers off my legs and then realize that all I'm wearing is a black dressing gown around my body. The thin piece of fabric barely covers my body. Then my eye falls on the IV that's plugged into my arm. In a quick jerk, I pull the tape from my skin, the needle following.

'Highness, you need to gain further strength.' The nurse who has just helped me comes rushing back, panicked. I look at her from under my eyelashes, her loathing. I give her no answer, no response at all. My bare feet touch the white stone floor, the cold does nothing for me. I put my hands next to my body on the mattress and push myself upright. Noa's eyes pierce my body.

As soon as I straighten up on my legs, I stagger. Noa wants to grab me but I push him away immediately. 'Why are you acting weird?'. My eyes widen as soon as Noa dares to utter those words. 'I'm doing weird? I think you are the one who has lost his mind. I bite back the words as if I despise him. His eyes go from surprised, to angry, to broken. I realize all too well that my words are hurting him, moreover that is the purpose.

'Is it so weird to say I love you?'. A mixed sound of anger and sadness echoes through the large room. The Noa I met was the only person who ever contradicted me, now he turns out to be an emotional wreck who has become dependent on me. Moreover, that is what loving does to you, you become dependent on the thing you love. It is a drug that hurts more than you would like to realize. Once you lose what you love, you only feel how dependent you were on it.

'You can't love a slave, a slave of a dark spirit. I have a list of dead to my name that the army can say "yes" to. The worst part of the whole story is that I enjoyed others' pain. I am a psychopath and even proud of it'. This is the first time I have ever said it, that I have thousands of deaths to my name. I would burn in hell, if it even existed. I would burn through the dawn, if they were ever told.

'Do you think I don't realize who I'm saying it to?' He takes a step closer. His blue eyes look at me so penetratingly that I seem to drown in them. 'I've known you longer than today' another step closer 'I've seen you change' the final step brings them almost nose to nose. 'You don't know what you're saying, yin say it' for some reason I am intrigued by his words, so much so that I can't utter anything. Before I even realize it, Noa grabs me by the waist.

I want to scream, I want to scold him, I want to push him away from me but I am already too late. A stabbing, intense pain, is followed by a feeling as if I am flying. My eyes fall shut, my body goes limp. The unfamiliar feeling brings my hands into Noa's hair, grasping for something to hold on to. His arms around my waist are the only thing keeping me upright. My muscles seem numb and completely weakened.

The floating feeling disappears like snow in the sun as soon as Noa is pulled away from me with a speed. I look straight into Novak's bright red eyes, redder than usual. Noa is lying on the ground. For a moment I don't realize what I'm looking at, especially as soon as I see blood along the corners of Noa's mouth. My hand goes to my neck at an icy slow pace. I place my fingers on the spot that started to sting.