Letters to Kyle

April 16, 2020

April 16th, the year 2020

Dear Kyle,

It has been forty-four months, and I am still into you, I am still here—waiting for you, I am still looking at you—the way my eyes stare at you for the very first time our gazes met. I will certainly not get exhausted loving you—the way I have loved you since August of 2016. It was magical how in a minute you already became the most integral part of my being—it just seems that I could not remove you from my system.

Kyle, I have always imagined waking up each day knowing you would love me too.

I have always imagined that when the clock hits noon we would meet at our favorite not-so-fancy café and would talk about how our morning has ended.

I have always imagined that we would talk over the phone, and you would sing me a song—just to remind me how a good singer you are.

I have always imagined staying late at night because I have you—we would chat and just talk about random stuff and everything. Then, we would close our eyes knowing we would have a good night's sleep.

I have always imagined that we would stroll over the city; grab a bite with our favorite food; watch how the sun would set peacefully.

I have always imagined you riding your motorcycle and I would be at your back—hugging you so tight because I am scared of riding it.

I have always imagined you baking a cake, cooking our favorite dish at our anniversary—because we appreciate more the value of money—we do not want to spend it on something that is not worth it.

I have always imagined you—making faces and silly jokes when I am not in a mood, and in a short period, I would laugh hard because you never failed to make me happy and smile.

I have always imagined crying in your arms—because you are my comfort zone, you are my security blanket; you are my calming medicine in this chaotic world.

I have always imagined us—holding each other's hands while walking under the rainy weather, then we would imagine how our childhood memories made us like this.

Kyle, I have always imagined being with you for the rest of my days here on earth, I want to spend my whole life with you—because I cannot see myself loving someone else except you. But if fate would not let these happen; then I will just gladly and wholeheartedly accept it—because maybe, just maybe, the universe is trying to tell me something.

Perhaps, in this life of ours—we cannot still be together, because your heart already belongs to someone else. But I am certainly hoping, dreaming, wishing, and praying that in another life— I could be yours, and you could be mine—just like what I have always imagined. In another life—in our next lives—our paths will cross again, our gazes will meet again, you would talk to me—and I will certainly talk back to you, and we would exchange smiles. Then in a short period—we would realize that the universe is trying to tell us—that this time, this moment is finally ours.

Kyle, I am sincerely apologizing for writing this letter again, I am so sorry for still creating this message for you, but I will not be sorry for loving you, even if you could not return the same amount of love I had given you. Kyle, I am here, I will always be here for you; just waiting for the right moment and right time to come.

I am happy for you, I will always be. You are the only guy that I love like this, I love you that sometimes it hurts—but as long as I love you—I will be alright.

I never regretted meeting you in the corridor—if I did not meet you there—I would not probably be this happy. I would not probably learn to write proses and poems. I would not probably appreciate the beauty of literature. That's why I thank you so much. Thank you for opening my eyes, for making me realized that love is not all about receiving the same amount of love from that person—but instead, love is something you can passionately give to that person, without asking anything in return.

May we meet in another life, may our paths cross again. In another life, may we become the person we wished to be, I loved you. I love you. I will always love you. Wo ai ni Kyle. – L