Who Will Love Me Now? (Danisnotonfire & amazingphil & crabstickz & kickthepj)

Chapter 10 - He's Still My Father

-3 years later and a few days-

I couldn't quite believe how a life could change is only 3 years. 3 fantastic, amazing and wonderful years. I'm still here...I'm still with Dan, Phil, PJ and Chris. That hasn't changed and it never will. Soon I'll be 16. Only a few days and I turn. I love Dan more than the world has existed. Sadly...I'm not looking forward to it. It broke my heart thinking about it. 16 means legally we can have sex. Its not like I don't love him enough to have it with him because that isn't and never will be the case. I'm scared. Dan or Phil or anyone will never ever find out. I don't want to upset them. More importantly I don't want to upset my Dan.

These 3 years have brought much enjoyment for me and I don't want any of it to end...a new school, a new life, new memories and a new family. I still thought about my Mum and even occasionally my Dad. My life had changed but those memories were still there. Rattling through my mind. They would and could never be replaced and destroyed. Sleepless nights still occurring. I didn't ever tell Dan how I was feeling. That part of me never came out in front of anyone. I was to scared. Scared of getting hurt. I couldn't help it...I didn't like being this way. I was scarred for life and I couldn't stop it. My feeling didn't stop or ever change. Would Dan understand? No. That didn't matter. I know inside and out that he would try help but I couldn't. Not now. Not ever. 

Sat in our room is what I do most days. I can't believe this may not be my room no more. The boys are big. Bigger than before. Considering they're now all 16....they get paid. More money coming into the house, means more stuff and well they can afford a much bigger place, maybe even separate places. The house we are in at the moment we shared the cost, some of their parents payed a bit and well we all chip in for the bills. Apart from me. Dan pays for mine. Such a darling I know. I would pay...but I've lost my job. The inconsiderate cow.

Just because I was in hospital in a stupid coma and didn't get someone to cover my shift! She decides to drop me! Something must be wrong in her head. It's not like I was packing and decided "how about lets go into a coma for 2 weeks! Yeah that sounds like something fun to do doesn't it!" I didn't plan it. It wasn't my fault. I always wondered how her brain worked, now I have the answer. It doesn't. On another note, I'm still looking for a job, only a few places around where we live at the moment but as Dan and everyone is looking to move I'll wait and try find a job there. I find it cute how Dan's always telling me I don't have to work he can manage with money. Sadly that isn't the point.

I want to be my own person and do something to pay for something that's costing them money. Every time or moment I bring it up he tells me that me being here and alive is the only thing he wants for me. It's not enough. I'll be in collage or 6th form next year and I don't know how I'll be able to manage things. Dan wants to go be one of those travelling youtubers who go and meet fans and subscribers all around the world. Sad thing...he wants me to go with him. I can't. No matter how much the idea keeps popping into my head I just can't leave my work and exams.

Dreaming of traveling is something I love to do but I'd never be actually able to do it. Being scared is something you'll never get used to and well since my Mum left the family my wonderful, crazy, imaginative mind likes to wonder of and conjure up some out of the world story. Yep. One of them was to do with flying and plus I'd never seen an aeroplane in my whole life, well apart from the stunt shows that Dad liked to watch. They were crashing all the time. Yes. I'm petrified thinking about it. 

I don't know anymore what my head is. Each moment that passes my mind changes its thoughts. Peering over at my alarm clock, gosh..its so late. Great...looks like a late night of work once again. Starts off the same every single night, get ready for bed, jump into the oven of a bed and never want to move, force my dead body to stay awake as Dan hugs me, his hugs just before he drifts of to sleep? My body can't even understand them. Perfect wasn't even a word that came close to how they made my life feel. To know he loved me was all that I needed to take me through a day. As his lovely, lush, bluey green would close that was my moment to move from my comfort and warmth to the outside. Creeping down the stairs, more like creaking down the stairs.

The brilliant house loved to wake everyone up as you try creep down the stairs, well it does when I walk down the stairs. Doesn't seem too with anyone else but me. Yay oh yay. Special Lily. Once downstairs I could go into our amazing and brilliantly decorated lounge, all thanks to me obviously guys honestly don't know how to live, spread out and completely just be in silence and get my work done with enough time to get upstairs before Dan realises I'm gone. A little too much practice me thinks...I know I have to stop doing it because this is no way good for me and I know it, now I understand when people say it's a bad habbit and they can't stop. Maybe, only maybe but is it possible that's what happened to my Dad...I could start to understand his situationd, even consider seeing him inside. 

Deep inside my heart was screaming telling me not to think like that but I couldn't help it. I peered over once more at the clock as I heard footsteps coming up the stairs as well as laughing. Obviously they had realised it was coming up to beddy time as we called it still. Everyone had a part of there childhood in their hearts and well maybe that was his, as well as the hundreds of other things that he did as a young child. Never, in my opinion, will Mr Dan Howell grow up. I'm glad though, I love that Dan. Not a fake one.

Finally he finds his feet to finish getting up the stairs as I see PJ lifting what seemed to be a half drunk Dan to bed. "What happened?" I whispered into PJs ear after he hald carefully put Dan down. "Don't know, Think he maybe has had something bad to eat." PJ shrugged. Life just got better and better didn't it? The thought kept on passing through my mind. Should I take my chance and see my Dad. I knew I was in deep thought because the second I snapped out of it PJ was staring at me. Ain't I just clever. Thankfully he just laughed and walked off, no idea why he was laughing or in fact what he was laughing about but it was PJ.

That moment when everything is silent and the stairs decide to hate you was exactly the moment I was having now. Quiet wasn't even in my life, it used to be. Since I've been with Dan and left my old life behind I had changed for what most people would say the better but to be honest, I was unsure. It was true my confidence had sored high and life had all round got some much better for me. I still had no true family and even though what he had done was wrong I guess I still loved him, he was still my biological father. I looked round at each door, Phil's, Chris', PJ's and ours. Mine and Dan's. They were basically my family but I had to see him one last time. I had to.

The thought of homework had long gone. One thing mattered right now. Well to me. Turning round I looked at my task. The stairs, do I run, go slowly or just normally. Few ideads ran through my head. Surely there would be a way I could get down without being heard. Lightbulb moment. When you were a kid did you ever slide down the banister? That's what I'll do. The temptaion to scream like a little girl was there, first time for everything. This was my first time. Off we fly.

I started off slowly, sharply it sped up. "Ek." a little squeal peeped out as I came to the bottom. Well thats going to be sore soon. I looked up the stairs that my family were at the top of. "I'll be back soon." I whispered as I stepped outside the door. I would be back soon. Thats what i hoped.