Living for you

heARTBREAking Revealations

I slept peacefully yesterday. there are only two people in this world whose presence put my mind chaos in peace, one is my buddy  and other one is ..Beam.

 i smiled with my closed eyes remembered how i met Beam. his face, his contagious smile which makes you smile unconsiously just by looking at it, his innocent eyes.  He is a pure soul while i am a tainted person. my smile is gone. no i will not mess up his life. My messed life should not effect him in any way. yesterday incident gave me heads up that i should distance mylself away from him.

i can never get out of my sorrows, my fears, my insecurities. it should impact his bright future. I thought determined to ignoring stuffy feeling in my heart. 

i felt a hand touching my cheek.

"What nonsense are you thinking again?"i heard my My Buddy"s voice near me. i opened my eyes and turned towards him.

"how do you know i am thinking about something and not sleeping?", i asked looking at him while supporting my hand on my palm.

he shrugged his shoulders and smiled at me.

"tell me what are thinking about?", he asked instead of replying to my question. 

"Ryan, you should go back and focus on your life. you know that your mom doesn't like me associating with you  in any anyway. she thinks that because of me she my dad left her and now you are always with me. she wants you date someone and take next step of your life. and  i think she is right you are not a person like me who is more inclined towards one night stands than long term relationship. please Ry go back to your family. i don't want you to waste your life by taking care of my mess anymore. i know you have broken that senior bone who misbehaved with me  last time and don't deny it. this is not the first time. but now i don't want you to involve in my life anymore.  " i said in serious and somewhat emotional tone  while looking at him. 

"Phana Kongthanin, we have already discussed about it before. whatever happened between my mom and your dad has nothing to do with you. Their love was feeble, couldn't stand test of time. so they broke up and your dad as well as my mom got married with their respective spouses. if  my mom hold any grudge towards you. you don't take it on heart. i will not let her taunt you again. Infact i have already talked to her before coming here. She has to accept our relationship one day . my love for you is not like theirs. i will never leave you no matter what happen. you are the most important person to me buddy. this is the last time you have told me to leave you. if there will be next time i will not talk to you. i will take action that you wont like.", Ryan said in dominating tone.

"But you have to settle down with someone one day. You can't just live like this. go away Ryan. I am  not playing this shit game anymore. your mom is right you give too much of your time to me. this is not normal.", i said getting up angrily  from my bed while throw a pillow towards him.

Ryan also got up angrily and walked towards me in fast pace.

he grabbed my shoulders in tight grip and looked into my eyes.

"Deny as much as you want. you and i both know, you are again trying to throw me out of your life as soon as you realized your feeling will overpower you. but this time i won't back down. you get it", he shouted at me.

"i have already told you 2 years ago 'If you want one night stand i wont mind. Relationship is a big no no Ry'.  ", i shouted back at him.

"Why because now you love Beam. You haven't had one night stands since you met beam. You love him that much that but still not let him in your life. What you are showing him is beautiful fantasy just like in school when you thought you will start having feelings for him. you left him and came to me. Now again. "he is your white moonlight that you admire from afar. But about me? i have loved you since childhood. Did i ever asked you love me. i just want to be in your life even just as a normal friend. But you still you want me to go away. Am i that hateful person to you that you don't even want to see my face. When you felt uncomfortable i stopped showing my love, my concern and behave like a friend like you wanted me to be.  I know you took admission in this university just because of Beam. You want to stay close to him, to protect him just like those school days. i even helped you taking care of Beam when you were away from him. But there is a limit to break my heart."", he said in threatening as well heartbroken tone. a tear rolled down from his  left eye.

 I felt my heart breaking as well. i have hurt him too deeply. But i am selfish when it came to him and tested time and time again. i expected him to abandon me a long time ago just like mom and dad did to their love under pressure as well as me. i did it to Beam. But Ry never left me. He is still here with me. i have broken him to pieces again and again by doing one night stands and then chasing Beam in dark.  i am the most selfish person. i know i dont deserve him. That's why i drive him away again. his mom is right i cannot destroy his life like my dad did hers. her fears are legit. But today i dont want to think about. Tomorrow i will break his heart so that he can get over me and move on in his life.

"You are the most important to me Ry. No one can replace you but i can only give you one night. Nothing else. please Buddy. ", i said and kissed him on the lips while removing tears from his eyes. He kissed me back and closed his eyes.

"you are heartless. you know that." he said in between kissing me with passion.

"i know ", i replied with a smile.

"even then i still love you", he replied while kissing my neck.

"i know ", i replied with a smirk on face. But he couldn't see it. you are to easy to get manipulated Ry. i thought with evil thoughts. Mr. Kingswood, your son is in my grasp. you will regret playing that evil game years ago. i looked him again. i Wish you would have never met me. it breaks my heart to hurt you but i won't back down until i take my revenge.

 i will think about it tomorrow. today i want to relish this moment with my buddy. 

When he kissed my  familier sensitive ear, i moaned.

"Ry  ah....  mmm....." i moaned again.

He took me in his arms and put me on bed with love showing in his eyes. i smiled at him and noded.

we enjoyed our time together today. we both know in our heart that  this is the last time.