The things that matter

Chapter 7

Minutes passed and the restlessness of not knowing where and how Anna was, kept me awake. I thought about looking for her, I remembered the pain in her gaze, and my head started to hurt. I covered my eyes without knowing what I should do. I struggled long and hard, feeling the time go by and not hearing from her, and, finally, I couldn't take the uncertainty anymore and headed for the lake.

When I reached the shore, I saw her shoes and the blanket she had wrapped herself in earlier lying on the ground. No sign of Anna. I called her and there was no answer. I forced my eyes as far as I could to analyze the perimeter of the lake, hoping to locate her silhouette in the distance, but that did not happen either. I looked back at her shoes, perfectly placed facing the lake, and the blanket, probably in the same position it would have been in after sliding off her shoulders if she were facing the lake.

No. She couldn't have gotten in there. Not with all those clothes. The only thing she would have achieved like this would be to go down like a stone.

A shiver ran down my spine.

'What if that was her intention?'

I didn't take time to check if my heart was beating. The next second I was desperately searching for her at the bottom of those icy waters.

'Anna.'

I could only think of the agony she'd have suffered or would be suffering. Of the pain I must have caused her if that was the only way she'd found. The despair she must have felt, the cold eating her again while I waited like the stupid I am in the camp because I don't know how to make her happy.

'Anna...'

She told me. She told me that it could only be me and I let her go. I took her away from me and pushed her to that fate. If I loved her... if I loved her with all my being, why had I taken her away from me? Why couldn't I find her?! Why was she no longer there?

How could she have been such a coward?! Ana was brave and she never gave up! Had I killed her spirit? Had I killed her?

I poked my head across the surface, absolutely frozen and exhausted, desperate to breathe and to stop doing it for good at once.

"Annaa!!!"

I wouldn't surrender, not this time. I wouldn't give her up. I wouldn't lose her again. I would find her and bring her back no matter what, and I would never take her away from me again, never, not for anything!

I plunged back into those waters trying to coordinate my numb body to swim in search of her, to reach her, to find her even if that was the last thing I would do in this world, and, then, when I came out again to take a breath...

"Kristoff?! Are you crazy?! What are you doing in there?! The water is freezing!"

I turned awkwardly around and saw her there, on the shore next to her things, completely dry and clearly worried about me.

"Anna..."

I had neither the strength nor the temperature to say anything more. I got out of the lake as fast as I could and plunged her into an icy, long-awaited hug.

"But, what...?"

"Thank you..."

And the comedown came. All the adrenaline that flowed through my body plummeted at the same speed that my tears got out of control and bathed us both even more.

"Jesus Christ! Kristoff, what's wrong? You need to warm yourself up!"

Anna tried to loosen up, but I didn't let her go. Not this time. I held her even tighter against me, selfishly stealing some of the wonderful warmth from her, and I struggled to articulate a word that would make her feel what was inside me, but there are no words in the world to express certain things.

"I thought you were... And you are... Thank you."

"What did you think? Why were you in the water?"

She went over the scene slowly with her gaze as if searching for the answer that I was not able to give until she seemed to understand what had happened.

"Oh... Did you think I had...?"

I nodded on her shoulder, unable to calm the torrent of tears or clear the lump in my throat.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry! I took off my shoes to walk along the shore, but the water was terribly freezing and, you know, I have my reasons for not being a big fan of the cold, so I went for a walk while my feet were drying. I didn't want to spoil those shoes with the water, I really like them. And then I climbed onto a branch of one of the trees on the shore and fell asleep. It's been a rough day, you know."

God, I could feel her! Little by little, the sensitivity was returning to my body, and I could feel her clearly in my arms, chattering and doing things always in her peculiar and surprising way, bringing me back to life with her breath.

I loosened my embrace just enough to look into her eyes. Her expression indicated some guilt, perhaps some anger, pity, concern, and, as always, a lot of love.

I could only laugh. Laugh full of absolute happiness. Laugh out loud without any kind of control.

"I love you, Anna," I said as soon as I could regain some composure.

"Even though I am your cousin?" she answered defiantly.

"A wise queen once told me that it doesn't change who we are."

Anna smirked.

"I like that queen."

"Not more than I do."

"I thought you were going to get out of my way..."

She was clearly getting revenge for the hard time I had put her through.

"That's unfair, Anna. I just want you to be happy."

"The unfair thing is that, at this point, you think that being a mother without you by my side would make me happy."

I lowered my gaze, feeling guilt devour my insides. I also longed to be a father and the possibility of being one without her was not even among my options. It made no sense without her.

"If I'm going to give birth," she continued saying while gently lifting my chin. "it will be your children and only them. And if that's not a possibility, for a child who has lost everything and has no family or a home, I can't think of a better father than you."

"What?"

"Kristoff, if we cannot be parents in one way, we will be parents in another. I know that no one will be able to understand them and make them happier than you are capable of."

So that was it. At no time did she cry in despair like me, she cried with anger and resentment because she, as always, was one step ahead of me. She wasn't going to give up on me, she was angry because I hadn't been able to understand her feelings; because I had belittled the love she feels for me.

'She's right: I'm stupid.'

"Anna, I... I am so sorry."

Anna genuinely smiled at me and caressed my cheek making me feel automatically forgiven.

"It's okay if you get it now."

I nodded, losing myself in the warmth of her gaze.

"I will forgive you if you let me choose the names of all our children."

"We both know you were going to do it anyway."

"I like that you know how things work."

And she laughed. I heard her laugh. God, I heard her laugh.

I sealed her lips with mine and poured my whole being into them. All the fear, all the need, all the anger, the pain, the shame, the guilt, and, above all, the love; I dumped all my love. Anna responded to my lips with hers, with her body, and with her soul and I enjoyed knowing that cousin, granddaughter, niece, or sister, she could be whatever she wanted, I didn't care: she was simply Anna.