The things that matter

Chapter 6

I walked through the endless frozen Dark Sea watching Anna march a few feet away, furiously walking away from me and muttering something intelligible that seemed to fuel her rage. It was hateful how even the way she hated/despised/cursed fascinated me. Cold, time, and distance advanced with us until we reached the shore at sunset. Sven, the first of the hard-to-take discoveries of that day, came to greet us with his usual joy, and Elsa approached us cautiously, probably sensing that something was wrong.

"Welcome. Have you found out anything about... you know?" she said looking askance at Sven.

"It's a mystery. He's an ordinary reindeer. The perfect companion for a normal and ordinary life like ours."

Her angry tone made it clear that there was not a single truth in her words.

"Anna? Are you okay?" Elsa asked knowing what the answer was.

"Just tired... We go home. Good night."

Anna climbed into the sleigh, folded her arms, and looked straight at the front without deigning to look at anyone. Elsa looked at me and frowned.

"I'm not going to ask you, cause I trust that she will tell me when the time is right, but I entrust her care to you, Kristoff."

"It's all I think about, unfortunately..."

I gave an awkward hug to whom, therefore, was also my cousin and prepared Sven for the journey at the watchful look of Elsa and the evasive look of Anna. I worked mechanically, trying not to think, not to feel, not cursing, not cry, and not to break anything more than what I had already broken.

When everything was ready, I saluted Elsa with a head nod and we left on our way to Arendelle.

The trip was uncomfortable, tense, and silent. The slightest touch between our arms made us startle and, the constant tapping of Anna's nails on the lacquer layer that covered the front of the sleigh, made clear her irritation. But the fatigue of one of the worst days of our lives had left a legacy and Anna was starting to fall asleep in place. Finally, she lost her fight and succumbed to her dream dropping her head slowly over my shoulder. My first instinct, given the tension of the moment, was to withdraw her from there, but I didn't know how to place her without her falling out of the sleigh, so I consented the feel of her warmth on me one more time. That familiar and vital feeling that gave meaning to my life. I loved her, desired her, and missed her even before I lose her. "Kristoff, she's your cousin. Your cousin!" If I had any forces, I lost them and I cried in silence feeling her hair caressing my neck until I was the one who began to feel the eyelids heavier than it could be safe if we kept ongoing.

As soon as we reached the first clearing in the forest, I asked Sven to stop, carefully placed Anna on the seat, covered her with a blanket, and prepared to ride a small camp to spend the night.

"Where are we?" I heard Anna say as she sat out slowly.

"Near Lake Kol," I answered without daring to look at her.

Anna jumped from the sleigh wrapped in the blanket and started walking firmly mountain down without saying a word.

"Anna, it's completely dark now. It could be dangerous. Where are you going?"

"Don't worry about me. I'm just going to find someone else who wants to help me with being a mother and all that stuff. In the end, what difference does one make from another, right? Everyone knows that if I started dating you, it was just because things with Hans didn't go well and that I would marry anyone who stood in front of me. Well, just like I did then, I can do it now. I am perfectly capable of substituting you for another just as I substituted him for you; without regard, without regrets. Anyway, I don't know what love is either. Isn't that what you think of me?"

"No."

Anna gasped in disbelief. So, was that what she was thinking about?

"I've never thought that about you."

"And why not?! That's what everyone thinks. I am not deaf: I hear people's comments."

"Never from me. I know you wouldn't do something like that."

"Oh, please! I threw myself into the arms of a stranger. You reproached me for it yourself when we met! Why would you have such faith in me?"

"Because you are honest and pure and you don't play with the feelings of the people. You would never use me just to not be alone. Not to me nor anyone. If you accepted Hans, it was because your desire for freedom blinded you. It doesn't seem like anything that couldn't have happened to anyone. But by the time we met, the world had already opened up to you. You were free back then. I don't know what you've seen in me, but I know it is sincere."

I didn't understand what the point of clarifying all this was, but I was not willing to let her think that her love had not fulfilled me.

Anna was silent, piercing my soul through her eyes as our breaths slowly relaxed and my shoulders and legs sagged under the weight of my own words. Then the tears began to creep down her chin.

"I can't believe you don't realize that it can be only you..."

"Anna..."

"I'm going for a walk around the lake," she said at last lowering her head and restarting the walk in the same direction as before.

Her steps denoted less decision than before and I would say that her legs were shaking as much as mine, but at no time did she look back and I could only see her disappear into the grove.