Shout

Chapter Thirty Five - Rule Number Six

The Olivia that began this semester and the Olivia that completed this course may as well be two different individuals, ruled by two competing frames of life. My life has been governed by societal expectations, my master being the appeasement of others, not necessarily out of joy, but out of duty. An obedience not stemming from a goal of morality or virtue, but from a belief that molding to the needs of others meant a higher likelihood of earning acceptance and ultimately, love. Love has always seemed like something that needs to be earned rather than given freely.

It wasn't until I was left with an ex-boyfriend who had cheated on me and friends that abandoned me was I left to reevaluate some of my values. Much like Marianne Dashwood, jilted by Willoughby after promises of forever. I needed to consider how far I was willing to let others control the narrative of my life choices.

With the support of a loyal friend and a kind man, I felt brave enough to confront my true fear - letting those around me down. For once in my life, the prospect of not making everyone happy didn't paralyze me with fear.

I realized that in order to be truly happy, I needed to lead with emotion rather than intuition, consequences be damned, or run the risk of living a life that fulfilled someone other than myself.

I pressed send on my final assignment for my English Literature class, shutting my laptop quickly. I walked out of my room and into the kitchen for a refill of coffee. I had been up all night finishing up my final assignments for the semester. It almost felt good to focus on what I was comfortable with after the evening I had had with my mom the night before. 

Avery sat at the island, typing on her phone. I stood awkwardly next to her. I hadn't talked to her since I snapped at her the day before. She looked up from her phone at me expectantly. 

"Hey," I said sheepishly. 

"Hey," She replied, still waiting. 

"I'm sorry, okay, Avery? You know how much I love you. I didn't mean to take my anger out at you. You've been looking out for me for years. I appreciate you, always. I never take that for granted." 

She smiled at me, "I know. I was just making you sweat." She stood up and pulled me into a hug that hurt my ribs as I wrapped my arms around her. "You got mail, by the way." She gestured to a single letter sitting on the island. 

My teacher's college application. I jumped at the letter ripping the top open savagely. I read the letter quickly before squealing, "Avery! I got in!" I jumped up and down in excitement. I couldn't believe I had actually gotten accepted into this school. The first thought that came into my mind was Alexander - I wished I could tell him. 

"I knew you would!" Avery replied grinning at me. 

"I'm going to tell me mom," I let her know walking back to my room. I sat on my bed and stared at the wall for a moment. I grabbed my phone before typing in Six ways to get people to stop walking all over you. I searched through a couple articles before I found the article that Alexander had printed off for me. I scrolled to rule number six quickly, be willing to examine feedback and criticism without jumping to conclusions - Don't let feedback dictate how you feel about yourself. I stared at the screen in front of me.

 However Alexander had found this article or however he had found me and decided to get to know me, I would always be grateful for that. He had changed my life so much in the few months I had known him. But, it was more than gratitude. It was an aching to see him again. I looked at the calls he had made from the past three days - fewer each day and no calls today. Was I ready to give him up? Could you give someone up when you loved them with all your soul? I jumped up from my bed and burst back into the apartment. I was brave. I could face my fears even they were the fears of the heart. I needed to find him. 

I ran out of the apartment, much to Avery's dismay and called a taxi. I hopped in and went to his garage. I doubted he would be anywhere else. After a few minutes of my heart thumping and my mind trying to convince me this was a horrible idea, the taxi stopped at the destination. I paid for the ride and hopped out of the cab walking over to the garage. Just being in Alexander's vicinity made butterflies flutter in my stomach. I had truly missed him more than I could put into words. Is this what love felt like? 

I entered the garage and the familiar smell of pine hit my nose. My nerves increased in the slightest. There stood Alexander, working on yet another piece. He wore a black t-shirt and grey sweatpants. He looked perfect. His eyes shot up as he saw me. 

I walked closer to him, "Hey." 

"Hey," He replied looking at me warily putting his tools down and approaching me slowly. 

"So, I've been thinking about you lately," He raised his eyebrow at me, "I know you think that I don't speak my mind enough so I'm going to tell you what I'm thinking. I want you. You're one of the few things in my life that I'm confident about; that I have been confident about since the beginning. You're special. I need you in my life. I want you in my life. I love you, Alexander." I grinned at him walking over and wrapping my hands around his waist. 

He laughed placing his hand on my cheek, caressing it, and I leaned into it, loving the feel of his hand against me. How I missed that laugh. "I love you, Olivia. I have for a very long time."

I smiled gazing at him, "You have?"

His face inched closer, his lips brushing against mine softly, "I loved your bravery." His lips skimmed to my jaw planting a light kiss there, "I loved your kindness," his lips travelled to my chin, "I loved your concern for me," he slowly kissed my cheek, "I love you." His lips moved to mine pressing deeply, his tongue skimming across my lips gently sending goosebumps up and down my arms. 

I wrapped my arms more tightly around him, moving my fingers under his t-shirt and skimming over his back before moving back out of his shirt and up to the nape of his neck where I played with his hair. His lips deepened the kiss in appreciation. One of his hands travelled to my neck and drew patterns against my skin evoking a moan out of me. We broke apart for a moment, our breaths heavy, enjoying our silent presences. 

He smiled at me, his eyes crinkling in that way that I loved. He pulled back for a moment before pulling my hand, "I want to show you something," He stated. 

A sense of deja vu washed over me, "Uh-oh."

"It's nothing like that. I'm burning that piece, by the way." He clarified. 

"Please," I replied and he laughed, pulling a sheet off of another sculpting of me. 

His hand gave mine a gentle squeeze, "You didn't give me a chance to explain the last time you were here. I began making a sculpture of you when we first met and I saw a timid girl, but it wasn't long after that that I saw you for who you truly were - incredible." He gestured to the carving behind him. 

This version of Olivia was a beauty. She was laughing, her eyes bright and content, her mouth stretched widely. She looked carefree. She looked happy. 

Alexander continued softly, "Is it okay?" He asked uncertainly. 

I turned to him chuckling lightly, "Alexander this is amazing! I can't believe you made this." I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck leaning in for a deep kiss. 

His eyes twinkled as I gazed up at him affectionately, "I love you so much." 

"I love you, too."

Above all, I loved who I was when I was with Alexander. He brought out the brightest parts of me. He brought out the best parts of me.