Mates with Alpha Dylan

Chapter 23

Sam's POV

I don't know how long I've been in here, but it must've been a long time because someone's been pounding on the door for quite some time now. I've lost track of time. I've lost the feeling in my body. I've lost the people I've cared about the most. I've lost the will to keep going. I'm scared to feel again.

I'm scared to love.

Because when I do, I lose them.

I'm scared to feel.

Because when I do, it's all pain.

I'm scared to let myself be happy.

Because when I am, it's short lived.

I'm scared.

And sadly, I wouldn't want it any other way.

I feel everything and I hate it.

I want to feel nothing again.

I want to be numb, because that was great.

No pain, no thoughts, nothing.

Numb.

I know what you're thinking too.

What is wrong with her? She has Beau and the guys. She has Tony. She has Ben and Tim. She has the pack. She has a new family. That should be more than enough for her to continue on with her life.

I know that they're there.

I know that they care for me as much as I do for them, if not more, but like I said,

I'm scared.

I don't want to get close and then have them taken away from me.

I don't want to be in pain anymore.

I don't want to feel.

I'm sick and tired of feeling.

There's a sick pain in my stomach and I know for a fact that something bad is going to happen. And the worst part is, I don't think I'm going to be able to stop it.

Another loss that'll be added to my list.

The water stopped running down my body but I didn't care. I didn't move. I didn't want to move. I felt a warm towel wrap itself around my body, followed by someone picking me up. Who it was? I don't know. My thoughts are running wild, so I'm not paying attention to whatever is going on in reality.

I don't want to be in here, in reality. I want to be with my parents. I want to speak to them, hold them, laugh and cry with them like I used to. I know that they're not coming back, but I can dream. Even if it is only for a short amount of time.

I just don't seem to understand how one can have so many people who care surrounding them, yet still feel alone. That's how I feel. Completely and utterly alone. Yes I have a good 400 members who love me, but I still feel alone. There's a void in my heart that nobody but my parents can fill.

Nobody.

That's what I wish I was.

A nobody.

That would make things so much easier for me.

Suddenly I begin to wonder, where would I be right now had I not met Beau?

Lost?

Maybe, but I'd be lost in every sense of the word. I found myself when I found Beau.

Dead?

Most likely, but I'd be happy. I'd be with my parents. There'd be no pain, just love.

I would finally be fucking happy.

Something I haven't been for about three years now. Just because I smile or laugh, doesn't at all mean that I'm happy.

I look down and see that I'm fully dressed, hmm. But, I didn't feel it. Could it be? Is it possible that maybe, just maybe, I'm finally numb? Just the mere thought of not feeling again makes me smile.

No more pain.

No more hurt.

No more heartbreak.

No more anything.

Numb.

I was enjoying the numbness when I felt a pang in my chest. I was brought back to reality and it wasn't the worried expression on Beau's face that caught my attention, it was the heartbroken posture of the rest of the guys. Their eyes were bloodshot red. Every single one of them had been crying. Why? I don't know, but I do know that I'm not going to like it one bit.

I completely disregarded Beau at the moment and asked the guys, "what happened?" I tried to remain calm as I waited for their answer, but no one spoke.

"What the hell happened!?" The feeling in my stomach was getting worse. I felt as though I was going to be sick. I was going to ask a third time when, "i-it's Tony and his parents," Cole whispered and my heart fell into my stomach.

"What about them?" I asked.

And the next two words that came out of his mouth reminded me once again why I want to feel nothing. He said, "they're gone."

No, no!

"What do you mean they're gone!?"

"They're dead, Sam," this time it was Lenny that answered.

"YOU'RE LYING!" I screamed. Do you see what I mean? Every time I love, I lose.

"No he's not, I'm sorry Sam. We found their bodies not too long ago. They went out for a run, but didn't make it back. We found his parents bodies deeper into the woods than he was. Tony tripped and they got him," Malcolm spoke but I couldn't.

And here comes the feeling that I'm all too familiar with. Every sound or voice seems so far away. My breathe is caught in my throat. My vision is blurry. And everything seems to be going in slow motion. They're gone. Tony, Jane, and Luke. All gone. I ran down the stairs and out of the door, and was met by a group of my members. I pushed my way through and saw my worst nightmare.

There he was, my little buddy, my little fighter, my best tracker, my best friend, my Tony, on the front yard, dead.

His eyes were so dull and empty, his young frail body was so cold. Just like my father was. I knelt down and held him close to my chest. I rocked back and forth with him, and all I could think was 'I'm so sorry!'

They would've been alive had I not been stuck in my own thoughts. I would've sensed the danger and saved them all. They would all still be here if it weren't for me. I put his small body back down, and closed his little eyes for him. And then,

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I screamed to the top of my lungs. I didn't care that they were watching, because I'm mourning. Now you know why I don't want to feel. Now you know why I'm so damn scared to love. Now you know why I want to be numb.

Beau started to drag me away, but I didn't want to move, "NOOOOO! LET ME GO, DAMN IT!" I didn't want to leave Tony on his own but he didn't let go. "Please," I begged. We stopped moving but he kept his hold on me, and I cried into his chest.

Do you feel the pain with me?

Do you finally understand why I hate feeling?

The darkness keeps its grip and it doesn't plan on letting go anytime soon.