What Comes After The Rain

WCATR 13: Moving Forward

CHAPTER 13 - MOVING FORWARD

Humupa na ang ulan. Dumaan na ang bagyo. But the thing is, the storm in my heart hasn't settled yet. Pagkatapos naming mag-usap ni Nash kagabi, akala ko mabibigyang-linaw na ang lahat... akala ko makakatulong iyon, ngunit parang mas lalo lang lumabo.

Gusto kong mag-umpisa muli, ngunit hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko ba... Do I even deserve a new start? Ang daming katanungan, ngunit ang alam ko lang ay sobrang bilis ng ikot ng mundo... at ayoko nang muling maiwan nito.

I spent the night thinking about the days that had passed. Kung paanong urong-sulong ang lahat ng desisyon ko sa buhay. May mga araw na gusto ko nang sumulong at humakbang paalis sa lusak na kinasasadlakan ko, ngunit palagi akong humihinto at hahakbang ulit paatras dahil sa takot.

Just when I thought I was starting to figure things out, it never works because the rules keep changing. It feels like I'm stuck in a loop, and I don't know how to get out of it.

Maaga akong nagising, ngunit wala akong magawa kundi tumingin lang sa puting kisame at sa bombilyang nakakabit dito. Punong-puno ng katanungan ang isip ko, ngunit wala akong makuhang sagot.

"Bakit ang dali para sa kanila na tulungan ako, ngunit hindi ko magawa para sa sarili ko?"

That was one of the questions that kept bothering me. I need to figure this out alone before letting someone else paint my colors for me.

Tumagilid ako, pumikit, at pinilit na matulog ulit, ngunit nilayasan na ako ng antok. I heard my daily alarm ring. I chuckled—nauna pa ako sa alarm ko. Huminga ako nang malalim bago tuluyang maupo sa kama.

I closed my eyes. A glimpse of memory flashed in my mind. I remember that day when I was at the seaside with Nash.

"One wound at a time."

Nagmulat ako ng mata at saka nagpakawala ng maliit na ngiti sa labi. "One wound at a time," I whispered to myself as I prepared to get up.

I freshened up before going out of Nash's room. Sa sala siya natulog kagabi. I insisted na doon na lang ako, ngunit hindi siya pumayag, so I had no choice. Nasa pintuan na ako ng kwarto niya, hawak ko na ang doorknob, ngunit hindi ko magawang pihitin iyon. Mariin akong pumikit.

"Forget about it, Rayne," bulong ko, ngunit mas lalo ko lang naalala ang nangyari kagabi.

We agreed to forget about that kiss. Nash said it was nothing. I was full of emotion, as he was. Mali iyon. We both know that. Everything that happened last night—we agreed to forget.

That idea somehow comforted me, knowing how broken I was last night. Yet, it made me feel uneasy too. To be honest, I don't know. I'm confused. Part of me wants to forget it, but another part of me doesn't.

I have to let it go. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga before I finally decided to open the door. My heart was pounding hard as I walked through.

"Good morning. Coffee?"

I almost jumped in surprise when he spoke. Nasa kusina siya, cooking breakfast while brewing coffee on his espresso machine. He wore his usual attire: a white hoodie and black maong pants.

"Morning," I greeted back.

"Let's eat." He smiled at me as if nothing had happened last night. As if I didn't cry my heart out in front of him.

Lumapit ako sa countertop na nagsisilbing dining table sa kusina niya. Nilapag niya sa harapan ko ang ginawang avocado toast and egg. He took two coffee tumblers made of clear acrylic plastic. At sa harap ko siya gumawa ng iced coffee. Kahit nagtatrabaho ako sa isang cafe, it's still impossible not to be fascinated by how coffee is made.