Juke. ~You only know you love her when you let her go~

First Day Back Continued-Julie

"But- Jules," Flynn begins to say.

I quickly interrupt, "Flynn please, you don't have to say anything. I'm really sorry, but anything music related reminds me of him, them. I am trying so hard to forget, so I can't be put in an environment that just surrounds me with overwhelming memories of them." Inside I feel a gust of shame and guilt. This was exactly the way I was feeling when I lost my mom. I hate to be having to put Flynn and my family through the pain of watching me through my sorrow. Knowing that how much they tried, none of it was enough for me. 

"Julie, I am here for you, please just let us talk and I can help you get through it, remember the process with your mom I-" Flynn started to say.

*bell rings*

"I, have to get going," I reply as I make my way to first period.

"Just, remember what you love," Flynn quickly called from behind.

Luke. Alex, Reggie. They were who I loved, and now they're gone. I scold myself. I do also love Flynn, she is the best friend anyone would ask for. I feel tremendous guilt for acting like that, but it isn't always easy. I tell myself to be sure to apologize to her at lunch. However, my biggest obstacle right now is getting through the school day

~Julie's locker, after 3rd period~

"Heyyyy, Molina," calls out a voice from down the hall. I turn to see Nick walking toward me. For some reason the sight of him reminds me of Luke, probably because of my feelings towards Luke slightly resemble the way I used to feel about Nick, but only much more. Any memory of him creates a knot in my stomach and tears to my eyes. I try so hard to hide it. 

"Um, hey Nick! What's up?" I try to casually reply.

"Oh you know, just excited for dance class next period"

I give a slight laugh, "You took dance this year?"

"Of course, and who knows, maybe I'll be better this year. Or worse. Yeah probably worse"

I quietly fake giggle as I put my head down. Reminds me of Perfect Harmony.

"So..... I heard you won't be able to perform with your band anymore, that's such a shame! I would sing your songs in the shower non-stop"

I appreciate his joke, but I don't laugh. Pain and mourn surrounds my body. It is too much to control.

"Excuse me for a minute," I say as I run towards the nearest restroom. As soon as I'm there I throw my stuff down on the counter and start sobbing. I spot another student awkwardly leaving but I don't care. I stare into the mirror and watch as the tears slowly makes their way down my cheeks. I clench my fists as I struggle to stop crying. The easiest thing to do is for me to call home. Plead my dad to take me home, but I can't do that to him. I grab a bunch of paper towels and whip my face. Toss them in the garbage, and quietly creep to my next class. 

I grant a gust of relief as the bell rings for the end of school. As I wait for my dad to pick me up, I reflect on the day. I was able to apologize to Flynn at lunch and I couldn't be more grateful for her understanding. She assured me that she understands and can't blame me because of what I'm going through. Each class was the same as the next. The teachers taught as I barely payed attention nor participated. Always keeping my head down.

I spot my dad pull in and rush to meet him. Like any other dad, he starts swarming me with question as soon as my bottom hits the car seat.

"We are anxious to hear how your first day went," He explains while gesturing to Carlos in the back seat.

I put on my best fake smile, "It was great, dad."

"Really?," he says with a smile. 

"Oh yeah," I start, "All the teachers were so nice and I think I was able to get my mind off things." 

I shouldn't be lying to my dad but it's for his own good.

He replies, "That is amazing to hear! How about some ice cream to celebrate?"

"YES!," Carlos cries from the back seat, "OH YES PLEASE!"

I smile and rest my head against the head rest, it has been a long day.

After arriving home I throw the remainder of my ice cream cone in the trash and make my way upstairs. 

"Julie," my dad starts with concern.

"Oh, I'm ok dad I'm just a little tired that's all. You wouldn't mind if I rested my eyes for a little bit would you?"

"Oh no, of course," he assures 

I walk the remainder of the way to my room. I close the door behind me and throw my stuff onto the floor. I look up and spot my dream box atop my shelf. All the memories of Luke struggling to stay away from that thing come flooding in. Usually that would fill me joy and laughter, except all I do is collapse onto my bed and lose it.