Love, My Hell Life

DOUBTS

CHAPTER 7

DOUBTS

A new day has arrived and Abigail wakes up. She's rebelling against herself and isn't humming her morning anthem.

However, she is working on being in a good mood. What's happened since yesterday? Only soul-searching. It's a morning like any other, and she wakes up her darlings in haste. Rowan is happy, feeling that everything seems to have gone back to normal. In the end, this was only a temporary existential crisis, but he's also understood that in her violent words a truth was hidden, that she was fed up with this monotonous and mundane life.

They eat breakfast, have a wash and put their coats on. Abigail is going full throttle, with renewed energy.

In the car she puts a CD on, Teardrop by Massive Attack. Abigail finds the lyrics are full of meaning to her now. She needs to get close to her daughters again, to look after them. As she sings, her eyes moisten with this feeling of guilt, the guilt of a mother who forgot to be one for a while.

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me, makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Night, night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my ...

She opens the window. She needs to feel a cool breeze so that her thoughts don't eat her up to the bones. She needs to keep her head cool while driving. The girls are singing the chorus to the song.

Last stop. In front of the school, she hugs the twins, gives them a kiss and gathers herself for the long day to come. She looks at the time on her phone, and what does she see? A message on her voice mail from the Invisible Man, Mr Renni. Her heart rate accelerates, thoughts whip her face with full force: "Don't listen to it now, do what you have to do. Now you're on the right track, you're off to a good start with your man and your little darlings."

Abigail changes the CD. Music is an outlet for her thoughts, as if being strangled would make her faint but she'd wake up more alive, less sore. Like clearing your throat to torpedo away the missile in her line of sight, Renni.

She needs a powerful sound to motivate her in her day, to work a bit in the house. She's been slack again with housework lately.

She looks in the console storage and finds an album that fits her mood. Come on, put it on, sing, motivate yourself, off we go ... heading home with Why don't you get a job by The Offspring:

"My friend's got a girlfriend
Man he hates that bitch
He tells me every day
He says "man I really gotta lose my chick
In the worst kind of way"

She sits on her ass
He works his hands to the bone
To give her money every payday
But she wants more dinero just to stay at home
Well my friend
You gotta say

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way
Why don't you get a job
Say no way, say no way, no way
Why don't you get a job"

It's been a long time since she's sung so madly, so full of joy, with a smile beaming from ear to ear. As she drives, her phone on the dashboard starts to vibrate and makes the CD skip.

Her hand catches it before it falls on the floor. Instinctively she checks who tried to call.

A text message. Nothing out of the blue, it's Rowan letting her know he'll be home later than expected. He's fallen behind schedule and the products sales have dropped. Anticipating his boss will blow up, he's made appointments with doctors until late.