Where Lost Things Go | ✓

【拾伍】THINGS FALL APART

chapter 15.
things fall apart

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REAGAN WAS FUCKING losing it.

She stayed locked up in her room the rest of the weekend, shades drawn, lights off, door locked. She saw the demons crawling on her pale white walls. Heard the monsters lurking under her bed. Reacquainted herself with the villain that lived in her head.

Even in death, her mother knew how to haunt her.

Spring Break ended the following Monday, and Reagan dragged herself to class. She couldn't hear a word the professor was saying as she stared straight ahead. Everything about her was on low fuel. Her patience. Her energy. Her attention.

Reagan was ticked in a way she hadn't been since coming to college.

The composure she had perfected disappeared, along with her small smiles and kind nods. There was an air of darkness around her, one that went unnoticed by Kate's excessive chatter.

"Grace and I are exclusive now," Kate said cheerfully after the lecture had been dismissed, completely unaware of the void in Reagan's eyes. "It took a while but we ended up talking it out - well technically, fucking it out - and we decided we're exclusive." She squealed, "I'm really into her, you know? I didn't think someone like her would actually consider someone like me, but - "

"Kate, for once in your life, could you just shut up?"

Kate blanched, and her entire being seemed to deflate. She looked over at Reagan, whose eyes were so empty, she had to take a step back.

"I-" Kate said. "I'm sorry."

Reagan just stared at her for a moment, slightly surprised at what she said but not really caring anymore. She blinked and walked away.

Reagan was unnerved. All she could think about was Brian's words. Brian's god-awful sneer. Asher's fist pounding into him. Asher's words. It all blurred together, playing nonstop in her mind when all she wanted was some fucking silence.

For the next few days, Reagan did not leave her room except for class and an occasional meal.

Sometimes, she cried.

People will always, always, let you down. You don't need them.

Her mother's words rang more like a threat rather than comfort. All her suppressed fears were finally catching up to her and sometimes she felt like she couldn't breathe.

In class, Kate would glance at her every now and then but would quickly turn away whenever Reagan caught her staring.

When the weekend rolled around again, Reagan dragged herself to work at the library. She had barely been able to focus throughout the past week, and had fallen behind on the classwork and homework. She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.

She was tired.

If her mother saw the state of her academics right now, she'd have lost it. So she did just as her mother had trained her to do - Reagan busied herself with academics.

You're smart, Reagan. That's all you need to be. And someday you'll achieve the heights I never could.

Her mother had achieved the highest heights, but it had only brought a longer fall. And when she fell, she took Reagan with her.

When the clock struck 3:30 PM, Reagan found herself craving coffee. She glanced at the empty seat beside her and clenched her teeth. For whatever reason, this kind of loneliness was different. She had never missed someone like this before.

Reagan felt pathetic. It was like she had been trained and conditioned like a dog. She glared at the empty seat, unsure whether she hated it because it was there or because it was empty.

The very thought of him pissed her off these days.

At 6, she packed her things and began to head back. But instead of heading back to her dorm, she wandered to the park. She walked and kept walking until she found herself at the top of the hill, overlooking the bustling campus.

There were so many people on this campus and yet not a single one of them could catch her tears.

She sat on the wet grass beneath that oak tree and hugged her legs close. As the sun began to set, she cried and she cried and she cried.

She didn't even know why she was crying. Maybe it was because of what she said to Kate. Maybe it was because of what Brian said. Maybe it was because she missed her mom. She cried because she didn't know what she was doing, and everything about her just felt lost.

She cried because she couldn't stand herself anymore.

Then came a gentle tap on the top of her head.

Reagan looked up, and there he was. The way her heart stopped made her want to cry even more.

The stars seemed to glow brighter behind him. 

She realized she was less angry with Asher and more so at herself.

"Hi," he said quietly, taking a seat beside her.

She said nothing.

They sat in silence, only disrupted by her sniffles every now and then.

"Why are you here?" she asked finally, her voice low.

"It's been a week," he said. "I was worried."

The wind danced with the silence.

She paused. "Aren't you tired of me yet?"

"Why would I be tired of you?" he asked.

She rubbed her tear stained eyes, "Well, I'm tired of me."

He didn't say anything, but she realized she didn't really want him to..

"I'm sorry," she said after another few moments of silence. "For yelling at you."

"It's okay."

And then she kept crying, because that's what happens when bottled feelings finally spill. All this time, she had told herself she didn't need anyone but herself, and that the loneliness she felt was temporary and easily conquerable. But she was wrong. Lonely is as lonely gets, and Reagan was so goddamned lonely.

As Asher sat beside her, Reagan remembered the times before they met.

She hated him for giving her expectations. She hated him for making her realize this lonely routine was not enough anymore. She hated him for caring about her.

But try as she might, she knew she could never learn to actually hate him.

"Things are falling apart," she whispered.

"People fall apart, too," he said and he took her in his arms.