I'm Sorry (RanbooxReader)

Part 21: Birthday Pt. 1

Y/N POV

The mask, my mask, is back in place. And I won't let it down this time.

Wilbur and Niki smile at me. They probably think something is going on, but they're going to be leaving soon. So it doesn't effect me much.

I just lay my head down on my pillow. I wish things could have been easier.

Death seems more inviting than life.

I close my eyes as tears dripped out. Might as well sleep. Its the closest thing I can get to dying without the commitment.

I'm waken up by sunlight streaming into the room. I don't know when Niki came in, but she was sleeping peacefully. Her pink hair flowed around her face, basically making her look like a goddess.

I smiled at that. She deserves so much more than she gets. They all do.

I make my way downstairs. I hope nobody makes a big deal out of my birthday. It will remind me of my family when we were happy.

You deserve to be happy though.

"Not now, Mom." I mutter under my breath.

I look around the kitchen for something healthy to eat. I find some blackberries and eat a few, aware of every calorie. 3.875 calories in one blackberry.

I look out the window at the rising sun. It's beautiful.

I'm so small in this world. We all are. No matter how you look at it, we're nothing in the universe. Its always expanding.... and us? We stay the same. We just keep getting smaller and smaller in the grand scheme of things. I mean, what is our purpose?

We eat, drink, survive, and reproduce. And for what? Why would we bring kids into this shitty world? There is so much pain and hurt on the planet.

I continue looking at the sunrise as the different hues paint the sky. Pinks, oranges, and yellows. The rays peak over the horizon, shining light through the windows.

I feel a comforting hug, but when I turn around to look at the person, no one is there.

I stare at the open space with wonder. I know I just felt a hug. I might be going crazy, but it felt like Amelia. It felt like the hugs we used to give each other.

A teardrop falls down my cheek at the memories. I quickly wipe it away.

She wouldn't want me crying on my birthday. She would want me to have fun.

I put the blackberries away and scroll on my phone. Many fans are tweeting happy birthdays to me and whatnot. I like most of the tweets and comment on some.

Most of the fandom is so loving. I honestly adore my chat. They help me so much, even though they don't know that. I honestly wish I could hug each and every one of my viewers. I know that I won't be able to, but I wish I could.

I hear footsteps and instantly whip my head around. "Oh. Hi, Toms."

"Good morning, Y/N. And happy fucking birthday!" His voice is deepr than usual. He must have just woken up.

"Thanks, Tommy. How'd you sleep?"

"Pretty good, mate. Tubbo was stealing the blankets though. How about you?"

"Same here, but I think I was the one stealing them rather than having them be stolen." I laugh a little.

He giggles a bit. Okay, but why does that sound cute?

Y/N! Stop, you like Ranboo, remember? Yeah, yeah.

I fight with my inner conscience.

It's okay to be confused.