the moment you knew it wasn't working
was the moment you began to spin.
your eyes filled with tears and your hands turned into fists
and you fought.
you bandaged the wound with kindness and laughter
but he thought the wound could heal on its own.
by itself.
he ripped the bandage off, leaving you bruised.
no forewarning whatsoever.
you wanted to fight through it like a boxer trying to win the heavyweight championship.
but he was on the opposing side and he ko'ed you as fast as you could say,
"i love you."
those words still echo in your mind but they're pushed back deep down
like pushing the pearl necklace he gave you into the palm of his hand
you were in the palm of his hand and he knew it, too.
you were dangling on a string in front of him for his amusement.
you always wondered if you were enough for him but you never were
you were always in the background, overshadowed by his glory
so, things changed, he got bored, he moved on.
and it's killing you
you try to think lovely thoughts but all that can come to mind is images of everything he has ever said about you
flashes of beauty and love turn into ugly lies.
but you smile wide in spite
because you're trying your hardest to not let the boy with the braces mute your voice.
boys will come and go and it will hurt
it will break your heart and you will try to pick up the pieces but there is no one to help you
love is love
but love isn't love when it's like that.
love is loving yourself before you give someone else the privilege of loving you.
you are beautiful and you are powerful and you speak louder than a million marching bands all at once.
so remember that next time your hands are shaking and your mouth is dry and you're sitting in math class with your eyes shut trying not to cry
you are more than enough
and if he does not see that
then he is just a dust particle in your solar system.
because you are the sun.
this is for the blue-eyed boy who broke my heart
i used to drown in your eyes
but now i'm finally swimming back to shore.
never yours,
hannah
