lies

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the moment you knew it wasn't working

was the moment you began to spin.

your eyes filled with tears and your hands turned into fists

and you fought.

you bandaged the wound with kindness and laughter

but he thought the wound could heal on its own.

by itself.

he ripped the bandage off, leaving you bruised.

no forewarning whatsoever.

you wanted to fight through it like a boxer trying to win the heavyweight championship.

but he was on the opposing side and he ko'ed you as fast as you could say,

"i love you."

those words still echo in your mind but they're pushed back deep down

like pushing the pearl necklace he gave you into the palm of his hand

you were in the palm of his hand and he knew it, too.

you were dangling on a string in front of him for his amusement.

you always wondered if you were enough for him but you never were

you were always in the background, overshadowed by his glory

so, things changed, he got bored, he moved on.

and it's killing you

you try to think lovely thoughts but all that can come to mind is images of everything he has ever said about you

flashes of beauty and love turn into ugly lies.

but you smile wide in spite

because you're trying your hardest to not let the boy with the braces mute your voice.

boys will come and go and it will hurt

it will break your heart and you will try to pick up the pieces but there is no one to help you

love is love

but love isn't love when it's like that.

love is loving yourself before you give someone else the privilege of loving you.

you are beautiful and you are powerful and you speak louder than a million marching bands all at once. 

so remember that next time your hands are shaking and your mouth is dry and you're sitting in math class with your eyes shut trying not to cry

you are more than enough

and if he does not see that

then he is just a dust particle in your solar system.

because you are the sun.

this is for the blue-eyed boy who broke my heart

i used to drown in your eyes

but now i'm finally swimming back to shore.

never yours,

hannah

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