lifeline ⇾ kai parker

41┃disillusion

CHAPTER FORTY ONE

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KAI FELT... DIFFERENT. IT'S the only word that came to mind as he laid there with Mila draped over his body. He couldn't pinpoint what exactly it was. Maybe it was the crossed wires of his conflicting desires, or the way he easily fell into rhythms of soft-hearted sex. Whatever it was, it resulted in a very noticeable change, the kind where mental bled into physical, that pulled his instincts into a tornado of realignment.

In a sense, his body was weaker, drained. It wasn't an absolute exhaustion; he just could feel the work his muscles did when his body rolled and got entangled with hers, the aftermath of a desperate night where they properly explored each other. The red welts on his skin from nails digging into him and the burgundy marks of hickeys had yet to heal and fade — details he probably would have noticed if he wasn't so spent and distracted.

Mila, noticing on how quiet and spaced he had been, picked her head up from his shoulder. She didn't know how to recuperate from yet another impulsive detour from the problems waiting for her outside the door of Kai's apartment, either. And she knew the point was to not worry about it, at least not right now, but she couldn't help be concerned for him.

"Kai, are you feeling alright?" Her voice, enmeshed with vulnerability, is small, barely breaking the silence of the dimly-lit room.

He snorted at the question. "It's ironic that you asked. I'm fine. Of course I'm fine."

"Okay. I just, I don't know, something feels off with you. At least to me," Mila elaborated, gnawing on her upper lip anxiously. "You seem different than you were a few minutes ago."

She had no clue how long they'd been laying here on the floor. A blanket was beneath them and throw pillows from the couch propped their heads up. Their clothes were scattered around them, each item unhurriedly peeled off as they took their time with one another. Their time together had been an oasis, but it seemed now reality was seeping in for the both of them.

"You must be be off, then," he lied, something prickling from underneath his skin from how easily she was able to see through him, but he was quick to twist the conversation into something else. "People as a whole waste so much time on how they feel. I mean, I know I used to. I was angry all time. I was restricted by the feeling of being worthless and a stain on my family."

"What about happiness? Don't you remember what that felt like?" She whispered, and a thousand moments flash in her mind that radiated the blissful feeling she spoke of.

Her eyes are like lily pads floating among serene waters, showcasing an enchanting green hue yet also a fragility that could so easily be shattered. They watch his face, the contours stark and captivating, while he tries to figure out how to respond. It was the first time he had ever hesitated, thinking his answer over instead of granting a shallow reply.

"I remember thinking that I would never find it." Kai settles for declaring some honesty. "Happiness coincides with peace. And I... was far from peaceful." He let out a breathy laugh, meeting her intense stare. "I know what you're thinking."

"No, you don't." Mila shook her head just as softly as the brief smile that formed, a certain memory coming forth from all the others.

"Whatever shred of happiness I felt with you... was not worth it."

Ignoring the uncontrollable sting that came from his conclusion, she sat up. With her knees digging into the floor and a blanket wrapped around her, her new position emulated the silent plea that she'd had the moment she discovered what had happened to him in her absence. The one that meant him coming back to her, truly and completely... a breakthrough. A miracle.