Dances and Ruin// Reiner Braun x OC

Chapter Twenty-Six

Peri paces back and forth, her hands clenched into fists at her side as Jean sits nearby, watching her go back and forth silently. Something at the back of her mind nags at her to continue ensuring that his hands are okay and won't get infected, but everything else moves her attention away from that quickly and strongly. This has to be some kind of joke. Maybe, I'm dreaming again. Was that really even Reiner to begin with, or did I let my emotions go unchecked as I verbally berated someone who merely looked like him? How did he get here? Why is he here? Why did I react like that? I thought I was okay. Peri huffs loudly and turns to face Jean, "Was I out of line?"

Jean, who has since started to stare at the ground, looks up. "Are you asking me if your reaction to seeing Reiner was out of line? If you were too mean or something?" Peri nods. "I'll be honest in saying it isn't what I expected you to do, but I don't think you were out of line. That's not what matters, though. Do you think you were out of line?"

She looks off into the distance, toward the faint flicker of the campfire. I don't know. Peri tries to ignore the knot tying itself tighter in the pit of her stomach. "I'm not really sure," she blurts. "I thought I was ready to forgive him, I thought I already had. But, then, I saw him sitting there and I couldn't help myself, all of the hurt I've felt and let fester over the years escaped me quicker than I could grasp it. I wanted him to know that the scars he left me with were more than physical. I wanted him to know he hurt me in more ways than what he could see, and I just let it all go." It's quiet, and Peri swears she can hear Hange wishing everyone a good night's sleep as Connie tries to poke fun at Armin somehow. "I don't think it was wrong of me to do, but I don't think I was right either. I told you I would forgive him one day, a few years ago."

"You did. Has that changed?" Jean asks gently.

She bites her lip, "I don't think so. I think I still have it in me to forgive him, but I think it might be more of a process than I originally thought. I've gone so long believing I'd never get a full sense of closure, so I told myself what I did get was good enough to get by on. It's just, now, I have the chance to see it through and it scares me. What if I forgive too easily or worse than that, what if I don't forgive him at all? What happens then?"

"If I know you half as well as I think I do, I think you'll make the right call when you get there," Jean answers. He frowns slightly. "I think I'm finding myself in the same place, I thought I could just forgive him despite what he's done. But, Marco... I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for that. I think that's okay too. You don't have to forgive everything. Some scars never heal. So, if it's a wound you're still having to tend to, why would you forgive the person that dug the blade there in the first place? If the wound itself won't heal, how do you expect to move on like it never happened when it's still affecting you?"

"You're rambling again," Peri chuckles.

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I think some of what you're saying is right. Just wanted to stop you shy of whatever nonsense that might follow," she smirks, nudging him playfully.

Jean rolls his eyes and giggles. "You can be such an asshole sometimes. You know that?" Peri shrugs and flips her hair. I should thank Jean. He really has been there to help me piece myself back together the past few years. Not only that but he's guided me through polishing the finished product. I feel almost brand new, although I'm riddled with cracks and chips which enrich me with a history I can't erase. History or not, I can appreciate the stains of my past and embrace the new parts of myself that come with each new day. I'll thank him soon. I owe him that much. Jean sighs, "I have one more question though. Then we can drop it."

"Open ears," Peri announces.

"So, you're willing to forgive, but there's something I've always wondered about. If you're willing to forgive, why aren't you willing to accept apologies. You shut down everyone anytime they start to apologize. Just earlier, Reiner started to apologize and we both know how that went."