Toujours pur; Sirius Black

C O P I N G

As I walked through the corridor my heart ached for me to turn round and run back into his arms and never let go, but I couldn't because that would hurt me more than he ever has.

I could feel my heart shattering with every step I took this pain was worse than any cruciartus curse worse than a knife being dragged across your stomach, worse than the beatings my mother gave me. It was unbearable. The one person I loved the most in this world loved someone else and It was driving me insane. So insane I started laughing.

I fell into a hysterical fit of giggles, I laughed so hard I stumbled into the wall and slid down it in a fit of psychotic laughter. I laughed at my atrocious fucked up life, I laughed that my mother and father had been beating me since I was ten, I laughed that I ran away, I laughed that I was almost raped, I laughed that my bestfriends were deatheaters and one was a werewolf, I laughed that my friend was dead, I laughed that my boyfriend loved another girl. I just laughed.

If I didn't laugh I'm sure I would cry and I'm sick to death of crying.

It truly was hilarious that I hadn't killed myself at this point. If any muggle had been through half the stuff I had they would surely top themselves and be done with it. Maybe I was crazy.

Maybe all this shit has finally sent me head first off the deep end.

My laughter had died down and now I was just sat on the floor of an abandoned corridor staring off into the distance, I hauled myself off the floor and walked to my next lesson which was transfiguration. I didn't cry, I didn't laugh I just walked.

The corridors were empty which indicated that I was late.

I walked through the door and everyones heads snapped to me but I didn't care.

"miss Lestrange would you care to explain why you are so late" Professor McGonagall said in a disapproving tone.

I didn't even bat an eyelid I just ignored her and sat in an empty seat which happened to be next to a Slytherin. My eyes were trained on the desk infront of me, McGonagall's voice became blurry like everything else around me did. All I could hear was my own voice in my head telling me how fucked up I am, how worthless and unwanted I am.

"detention Miss Lestrange" McGonagall said sternly, I still sat unmoving as she carried on with the rest of her lesson. I didn't write anything down, I didn't even have my bag. I had no idea where it was and I didn't even care.

I could feel the worried eyes of my friends burning holes in the back of my head but I didn't care. It had seemed that my body and my head had given up caring about anything and everything. In the past hour I had developed a 'what will be will be' attitude.

I also really needed a fucking drink.

***

Lessons had finally finished and I trudged back to my dorm, I had a few hours before dinner. I hadn't talked to anyone all day, sure they had tried to talk to me but I just ignored them and went about my day. I wasn't in the mood to deal with all the questions.

When I reached my dorm it was quiet, so quiet it felt disturbing so I went over to my record player and put on Tie Your Mother Down by Queen and grabbed the Firewhiskey bottle from under my bed where I kept my stash.

I jumped on bed and popped off the lid taking a long swig before shaky my head from the firey burn down my throat. I started playing the air guitar and jumping round my room singing the lyrics continuously taking swigs from the bottle.

It wasn't long before the strong alcohol started taking its affect and my vision started to become blurred and I was stumbling into things and knocking everything over. I managed to stand still after a few minutes, the bottle in one hand a cigarette in the other.