If you

Chapter 11

Irene's POV

Okay why did I said that? I cut Lisa with what she will about to say because I don't want to continue this conversation.

"We better sleep, this is not the right time to talk about it Lisa" I said and started making a comfortable place for me to sleep. 

I heard her sign and open her beer. I lay down but still looking at her, I am facing her back while she is just looking outside probably staring at the sea. 

I wanted to tell her how much I missed her and how hurt I am with what happened to us and how we ended things before it started to bloom before and now we are doing it again, part of me want to push her away but also I want her to be near me and never let me go again. 

I started shivering with the coldness that this night is giving me and being wet with the rain doesn't help me to warm myself. 

I saw Lisa put the beer down and remove her hoodie again then gave it to me without looking at me. 

"seriously Irene, you should just accept this because we both know that you can't handle even a few minutes being inside a cold place so you should wear this you might get sick after if you won't accept it." She said and then look at me after. 

"you still remember.." I said and took the hoodie. 

"I tried to forget about it but we both know it means alot to the both of us." She said and chuckle.

Then the silence became dominant again.

I want to ask her if she is okay because I can totally see that she is in deep thought right now and I just want to remind her that I can still me someone that she can lean on.

I stand up and sit beside her.

"Can I have some of your beer?" I asked

"sure" she said and about to get a beer near the snacks but I took her opened beer and drink it.

"still the same person that I know" She said and chuckle. 

"I haven't change Lisa, I hope you know that" I whispered.

I saw her look at me again but I just ignore the fact that she heard me.

I scan her with my peripheral vison and she is still looking at me with if I am not mistaken she shows a longing eyes while looking at me, She looks so vulnerable and I don't want to see her like this.

But when I am about to stand up to avoid seeing her like this I heard some sobs.

She is crying

"Lisa what's the matter?" I asked her then rub her back

She continue crying and hug me.

"I'm sorry Joohyun.. I'm.. I'm sorry for being like this..." She continue crying and sobbing which break my heart. 

with few more seconds of convincing myself not to cry I gave up and let my emotion take control.

"maybe the reason why I am hurt right now is because I hurt you first.. maybe... maybe this is my karma" She said and tighten her hug.

"shhh Lisa look at me" I hold her chin and level it to my eyes so that she can look at me in the eye.

"don't hurt yourself with the past, don't do it okay? It made me feel bad for not being there for you when you feel like the world gave you countless problems. I hate it when you carry your burden on your own so please don't think something about that" I said and she just continue crying.

"I feel like everything that I do is not enough, that I am useless and I cant even make other people that loves me happy. I can't give them the love that they want and they deserved.. I am useless Joohyun.. I am.. I am us-" I cut her with what she will about to say.

"stop it Lisa! I know you are doing your best, you are trying hard to make everything better and you are a good person Lis. You just have to accept the fact that you can't give everyone that satisfaction that they want to get from you most specially when you are broken like this" I caress her face. This vulnerable creature still haven't change.

"Lis.. why did you let yourself be broken like this? I hate seeing you this vulnerable and broken.. It breaks my heart" I said and we look at each other's eye

"Don't fool me Joohyun..I know that it is my fault" Lisa cut our eye contact and decided to stay silent without even looking at me anymore.

I have no Idea why I want to hug her and tell her that it is not what she is thinking but a part of me feels like I have no right to do that in the first place because as much as I don't want to see her hurting and crying like this.. I can't stand a fact that I hurt her too.. DAMN BAD. 

"I will give you space then" I was about to stand up and go out even when it is raining  but then she hug me tightly. 

"I still love you but I don't want to ruin your life and dream that's why I decided to avert my feelings to someone even when I don't love them as much as I love you Joohyun!!" She said and hold my face.

I can see the genuineness inside her.. but this is not right.

"Lisa.. let go of me" I said and remove her hand. I stand up and went outside. 

"Joohyun!! Please!!" Lisa followed me but then I started running. 

I promise myself that I am not going to be that stupid again! I won't let anyone drive me crazy again.. 

"Please lisa!! Please!!" I shouted but then she pull me and hug me.

"i'm sorry baby.. I am really sorry" She said and started crying again. 

The rain is pouring hard and this heartbeat of mine is not acting the way I wanted it to be.

I pushed her. "It is not that easy Lisa!! You think you can come back to my life and ruin me again then I will fix myself again for you to ruin it one more time??!! YOU THINK IT IS EASY TO SEE YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHILE WAITING FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT WE CAN STILL FIX WHAT WE HAD AND FIGHT FOR IT? I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HURTING LIKE THIS BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I WILL LET YOU HURT ME AGAIN!!" I said with all the pain that I have inside me.

"Joohyu-" I cut her of.

"NO LISA! PLEASE! Let's just act like good friends or ever coworkers.. Stop.. Stop with this bullshit that we had." I started walking and decided to find the path back to the cabin even when it is raining because I can't stand this pain that I am feeling again.

But then Lisa pull me again

"atleast wear this, I don't want you to catch cold." And she put the hoodie and blanket in me, she put a scarf around my heck too.

"I am sorry again....Miss Bae" She lowly said and kiss my forehead.

We started to get lost in each other's stare.. I am starting to feel drown but her words inside her eyes.. the feeling of longing is there.. the love and genuine Lisa that I loved is there..

"This is the last time Manoban..... I love you" I said and 

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I AM SUPER BUSY AND FORGET THAT I HAVE STORY TO CONTINUE WRITING!!! SORRY FOR THE SUPER LATE UPDATE. THIS IS IT FOR NOT. I AM IN A HURRY!! GOODBYE!! 

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